Seems like nothing yet something is happening...

Wow...I haven’t published or posted for the last year.  It's not that I have had nothing to say, I was just focusing on actually finishing my dissertation - which I have - and getting the PhD degree - and I did, thank you very much - my wife had medical problems, and I've also been focused on finding a position somewhere other than what I’m doing now.  So I’ve been busy!

It is said that when nothing's happening, something's happening.

Nothing has been happening on my blog but but really the thoughts have been stewing and building steam.  But perhaps, like me I didn’t have a response or comment ready at the moment, they are preparing to respond and just don't or, like I feel at times, not sure if they want to voice their opinion(s).

People are like that.  They need time to respond.  However, one should not take too much time...but just enough.  Kind of like being fashionably late.  People are also afraid to voice an opinion that it would be used in a way that is hurtful and not truthful.

Of course, that is exactly what was happening.  So it may appear that nothing was happening but actually something was.  (If only they would have spoken up.)

So it was with my wife's medical issues.  One never knows what is happening inside of them.  You can't see it and, as far as you know, the symptoms are from something else.  But a simple thing of my gastroenterologist telling me I have to lose weight - and my wife stating that she would do it with me - led to finding a dead ovary and fallopian tube that had metastasized across her abdomen.  How are those two related?  Well, the weight loss allowed the mass - which she has named Worcester or Woostah since it's a "mass" - get it?  Worcester, Massachusetts...okay, moving on - it caused the mass to move which caused considerable pain.

But see, I decided not to attend graduation.  Not that I didn't want to, I just felt that I wasn't supposed to.  I had no idea why, just a feeling.  Turns out, that graduation was one and a half weeks after my wife's surgery.  So as I was feeling like I wasn't supposed to, what was really happening is that we were about to find out about "Worcester"

So it is also with applying for different positions.  I've applied and yet I get...crickets...aside from a few "thank you but no thank you" responses.  Perhaps God is waiting for the right job to open up and bring me in.  Or, perhaps something else entirely.  Which is always possible.

However, I do think God has everything to do with the plans we lay out in our lives.  If He wants me to have patience, then...I guess...I will have to but I will be proactively waiting.

Even if you believe that there is a "higher power/being" and things happen the way they are supposed to, being proactive in that is part of something happening.  How do you know that the job you are applying for is or isn't the job you are being led to is where you are supposed to be IF you do not apply?

The something happening is you.  You may be growing personally in a way that you don't realize which may be the "something happening" while you are doing all you can and yet it looks like "nothing" is happening.  Therein lies the patience that is needed.

Oh, it's not an easy thing.  I know.  I grapple with the patience part everyday.  But I am proactively looking for what is down the road.  I don't want to stay where I'm at.  I was stagnant because I was finishing my PhD - but now - I want to get moving.

In the same way that during the writing of my dissertation it seemed that I was never going to finish, it was forming better than I knew.  It was coming together.  More than that however - I was growing.  I was becoming who I needed to be for all the experiences that will be coming down the road.

It was hard.  It is hard.  Patience is a virtue but a pain in the butt!  Good things happen to those that wait for it and proactively go after it.  Whether it takes a day, a week, 10 years....

...and a PhD means...that you understand what you've been waiting for is just down the road.  It may look like nothing is ever going to happen, but something is definitely happening.

Why? There is a reason for everything...

This post will be different than most posts.  This post is definitely to clear my head...and my help settle my heart.  This post is asking only one thing...

...why?

The question all kids ask a million times.  The question that is the basis of philosophy.  The question that is asked at times of sorrow.

I asked this and still ask this again and again in regards to my sister's death.  Why did she have to die?  Why didn’t they know that Yaz was the problem?

I ask this now as I hear of my cousin's diagnosis of cancer.  Why?  Why didn't they catch it earlier?  He goes in for tests every year faithfully.  He keeps himself healthy.  Why?

Why are we who we are?  Why was I born gay?  Why am I so different than others?  Why wasn’t I born a male?

This question drives us crazy when a child asks it.  I can only imagine that God rolls His eyes when we ask it.  Well, not really - I’m sure He looks at us like we look at our children...with loving eyes and heart.  But unlike us trying to lend an answer to child’s “why”, we may never know why something has happened.

Perhaps we can just circumspect that everything happens for a reason.  But will that be enough?  Can we accept that and continue with our lives?  Perhaps.  However, I would venture to say that even if we are able to do so, we will never stop asking “why”.

And that’s okay!  We should ask why and more so see if there are answers in everyday things.  Even if we think we find the answer and we’re not quite on the mark, it gives us a peace that possibly a part of life’s puzzle has been joined to a bigger picture.

Wondering, questioning, or seeking is healthy.  Worrying about the “why” is not.  We cannot change the past.  We wish we could, but we can’t.  So giving ourselves an ulcer is not worth it.  Using our quest or inquisition to the “why” should always be done with prayer and meditation.  God told us to be still and know.  Not “know” the answers but the peace that comes with with understanding there’s more to life and us than just “us”.

The one answer that should never be used is “it is what it is.”  That’s a true non-answer.  Of course, it is true but where does it lead?  It doesn’t lend any iota of comfort.

Platitudes - let’s not use them either:
     “We cannot do anything about it so....”  (Really?  Maybe we can.)
     “God has a reason.”  (Yup.  Covered that.)
     “Time heals all wounds”  (Not necessarily.  You just learn to handle things better...maybe.)
Platitudes are great for self talk.  Less so when stated from one person to another.

Why?

Good question.  I don’t know.  I do know that trying to find the “why” in a dissertation will never happen.  Dissertations will only create more questions - not necessarily answers.  So my trying to find the “why” that Lisa died through research was never going to be answered.  If research doesn’t answer the “why”, how do you expect anyone to know the answer?

...and a PhD means that asking "why" is healthy and so is knowing you won't always get the answer.

Common sense and the "Golden Rule"

Wow...So much has happened - in my world and the world at large - since I've last posted.

Where do I start?

I am not a political person.  In fact I have a hard time when it comes to politics and politicians.  Truth, integrity, and the "Golden Rule" fly in the face of most every politician I can think of - save for three that I personally know.  What does being a democrat or being a republican mean?  What does it really mean?  Does one have to choose sides?  Is either party r e a l l y right?

When it comes to all the rhetoric on Facebook (FB), I'm disinclined to answer anymore.  I want to go on FB and see what is happening with my friends and family.  I don't really want to read what one thinks about the politicians.

Yes, I do like to learn and have a rounded sense of information.

But, no, I don't like being told I'm stupid or having to choose between you and my beliefs.  If the conversation is civil and thought provoking, I'm all for it.  But not on FB.  I've yet to see  where someone doesn't start spewing hate and meaningless words once someone states their opinions.

When I was in my first marriage (I am now married for the second time to a gorgeous, loving woman), I couldn't have an opinion.  It was his way or no way.  He was so far right it would have taking me but a few steps to meet the left.  It took me quite a while to know that I could have my own opinion.  I still keep quiet...well...until now. 

I served for 30 years to keep the freedoms we do have - freedom of religion, freedom of speech...just plain ole freedom!!  I dare anyone to take that away from the soldiers that have served and fought in any of the wars.  Don't even THINK of taking away ANY Constitutional amendments.

Now that we are on that subject - how about taking the laws we have and actually implementing them?  Let's not take away the rights of the many for the stupidity of the few.  And while we're at it, why not educate the people beyond the media who takes an incident and makes it seem like it is so rampant.  I mean really.  Of course they have every right to write their view and opinions.  But not as facts.  Opinions are not facts.

And if someone wants to kneel during the National Anthem - okay.  I won't but that doesn't mean I have to like, dislike, judge their reasoning or patriotism for it.  I've been silent on this.  Everyone has an opinion.  They are all correct.  Because it is their opinion.  They are entitled to it...I would say unless you start calling people derogatory names.  That's just wrong.

So now we have a new president and administration.  And my biggest questions are, where is his diplomacy?  Does anyone screen what he tweets or says?  Where is his common sense?  How is what he says right or helpful?

So I go back to the "golden rule".  He has every opportunity to convey to people to end the physical retaliation against another if they don't like what the other person says or believes.  But he's silent.  And yet he wants people to stop mocking him.  If he wants people to be one way, but his actions don't convey his words, how are we supposed to take him seriously?

This isn't just for this president.  It's for everyone.  Every human on this planet.  The "golden rule" isn't religion.  It's a mindset.  It's character.  It's the whole of one's being.

It's not hard really.

If you want to someone to listen to you - listen to them.  If you want curtesy - be courteous.  If you want to be loved for who you are - love without judgement.  If you want to be believed - own up to your mistakes.  If you want to be a leader - follow -- follow in the footsteps of those that are successful.  Be willing to learn and change.

So what does all this have to do with being a PhD?  Well, it's simple.  What do you do when obtaining a PhD?  You are utilizing critical thinking skills, you help others with studies, and believe that I'm as important as the next person and ensuring that all those that I come in contact with think that about themselves.

...and a PhD means...you can think critically without being critically demeaning - you listen to others and glean from that what you need to move forward in a positive direction - you do with and for others what you do and want others to do for you - it means you live the "Golden Rule."

Dad's Rules...learning when they apply...

Life would have turned out so very different had I not listened to Dad.  I wouldn't be where I am today.  I would be someone different.  I'm sure of it.

It's quite an interesting concept to contemplate.

I got out of college after two and a half years - or as my Dad calls it, 2 years and a practice semester.  Okay...my first semester was a 1.36 average.  Needless to say that I wasn't enthralled with school.

I was intending to enlist in the Army.  I didn't know what I wanted to do in life and it seemed the right thing to do and get focused.  Dad said it wasn't a bad idea but I should finish school first.  I had half a degree and that was like swimming half-way across the Missouri River, saying I couldn't make it and going back.  He suggested I finish school first and if I still wanted to enlist, well, he'll be there to swear me in.  BUT...if I was going to go in and I had a degree, go in as an officer.

So that's what I did.  I got my Bachelors of Science degree in Interdisciplinary Studies with a Focus of Biological Illustrating.  I know, I know, it sounds like a fake degree.  It's very real from a very real and accredited school.  AND...I was commissioned a Second Lieutenant (2LT) in the U.S. Army Reserves as an Air Defense Officer.  

Years later I get my Masters of Science degree in Organizational Leadership. At least this one sounds like a real degree.  Of course I told my Dad that I pursued it because the acronym was M-SOL...he wasn't amused.

And now I'm writing my dissertation for my PhD.

But what if...would I be a Sergeant Major?...would I have continued in the military for 20 years?  Would my Dad have told me his three rules?  Would my outlook on life be the same?

I do know that I may have even changed who I am physically.  Yes, I would have had to stay in shape.  But that's not quite what I meant. Maybe I wouldn't have stayed in the military and therefore allowed to be who I am, gay...and even perhaps be whom I always felt/thought I was supposed to be.

So what are those rules you ask?  You were asking, right?  Of course you were.

The three rules are:

1) They can bend your dogtags but they can't kill you.  They'll make life hard for you.  They did, but I'm still kicking.

2) Not everything is fun.  Find the silver lining and make it fun.  The hard things will so much more enjoyable.

3) There are opportunities out there but you won't know if they are yours unless you look at them.  You can always say no, but what if they were for you and you didn't look at them?  I know I let some slip away...but then...I don't know God's plan...so did I?

I have lived by those rules and the one I added, which is: you never know until/unless you ask.  However, it's Dad's third rule that has me pondering.  What about are my opportunities now?  I know there are a few.  I didn't want to miss the opportunity to propose to Mary Ann and lose the best gift of love I've ever been given.  She's allowed me to be me in ways that I'm surprised at, and that door is not locked.  So I proposed.

So how does this tie into my dissertation and becoming a PhD?  Well, it's all on the same road.  It's becoming whom I have seen myself for a long time, a professor.  I'm taking the opportunity to become something better.  Perhaps both opportunities will meet...just perhaps...

...and a PhD means...that you find the open doors...the opportunities that are yours...that you find the strength inside to finish the race triumphant...being true to yourself...oh, and perhaps listening to Dad wasn't so bad after all...

Saving for a rainy day and hoping it doesn't flood...

First I must admit that I had no idea what I was doing when I bought the "house".  We'll call it "Tea Table" - that was the road it was on.  It's amazing the things one learns when up against a wall (pun intended).  Buying and selling Tea Table has been not only confusing but frustrating.  My former partner and I had been looking for houses that would give us enough room for family visits and our stuff.

Stuff...you know, things...like my guitars and recording stuff, my pool table, her humongous 62" TV, and her weight machine (to which we added a spin bike, an elliptical, and a treadmill).

Of course we had to have at least one guest bedroom and an office.

So...you know...room.

I was a bit cautious...perhaps the better word is "trepidation"...I had a good amount of trepidation when buying this house.  First, I had only owned one house prior to this and that was with my ex-husband and that was...quite a few years ago.  (We'll just leave it at that.)  So I don't remember anything about that loan process.  But I don't remember every little detail about this loan process either.  The price of the house had me scared.  I was afraid that we were getting in over our heads.  We didn't but there were times I felt I was waste deep in a flooded river.  But it was selling Tea Table that will have scarred me forever.  Okay, not really but it was an emotional roller coaster.  It was quite overwhelming.

I learned to read e v e r y t h i n g on the contracts and ask questions, state the mistakes, etc. because if that contract is signed and you don't know what it is or says, then it's on you.  I also learned that housing market prices be damned.  If you want to get the price you want for the house, DON'T, DO NOT let your realtor sway you into putting it on at market value.  Also don't let your ex sway you out of a sale because she thinks we could get more - because that is not going to happen.  It didn't.  Hence the sentence prior.

It ended up costing not only emotions and time, but a lot of money.  I had to pull money out of my investments and my IRA.  You know the IRS loved that one.  But at least I had it.  I had to pull from my reserves that were there for a rainy day.  And as my Dad said, "This is your rainy day."

So just like all the relationships prior to the one that is the one that you know is right taught you the lessons to make this one work, very house bought and sold teaches you lessons to do things right with the next one.  It's the life lessons learned that help us along the way.

So it is with my dissertation.  I wrote a proposal that could not be defended because I found that in the group I was to interview, there was only one person available.  A dataset of one is not doable.  So after some tears and feeling sorry for myself, back to the drawing board.  Re-read all the articles to completely refocus the topic of the dissertation.  It took me a year to be back to having a proposal to hand in.

So now I have the feedback on what I thought would be the proposal to go forward.  But I missed the mark.  I have a substantial rewrite on Chapter 2, the literature review; which causes editing of Chapters 1 and 3.  Really?  Okay.  Darn.  I still have some drive left in the reserve tank.  They say the best dissertation is a done dissertation.  So let's get this thing done.  Third times a charm, right?  I think this is why school is so costly.

But learning from my first two attempts, I redid the outline to match the revised argument (thank you Dr Dixon for your help).  It will take effort but I know that I've learned about my topic because my Committee Chair summized my argument from what I wrote.  Now I just have to get better at writing it in a proposal.

...and a PhD means...that the PhD process...and life...can be overwhelming but it's not letting yourself get flooded out that  matters...rainy days don't last but the learning should...

When you know that you know...you'll know...

Will I know when it's right?  How will I know?

I can't count how many times I've asked these two questions and other variations of this.  I've gotten answers such as, "you'll know in your heart", or "it's a gut feeling", etc.  And though both have a modicum of truth, it's more than that.  It's just a k n o w i n g.

I can't tell you how many times I thought "this is right".  No, really...I can't.  I've said or thought it too many times.  Sometimes knowing it really may not be the right one or thing and sometimes thinking it...noooo...hoping it was right.

I met my current partner and future wife when I wasn't really looking.  I gave up on online dating.  For the most part, I gave up on dating.  I had dated and they weren't the "right one"; either for me or I for them.  And that's okay.  If you don't date or don't try, you won't know.

But when I met MAM (I'll use her initials only), it was easy...calm...fun....  I haven't stopped smiling.  We talk all the time.  Sometimes it's about the same thing we talked about last night, last week, last month...but reiterating it solidifies it.  So to reiterate...when I met MAM, it was right.

Now I can go into and compare and breakdown Donald Rumsfeld's "There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know."*

Aaaaanndd...yes...it does apply.  I'm not going to...this time.

However, it is the same with my dissertation.  Really?  I'm going to compare a relationship to writing a dissertation?  Yes.  Yes I am.

You see there's the online looking.  That's the looking for the main research question and gap in literature.  You read and read and you think you have it...then you find that the next thing you read totally answers the research question.  Then you find a gap.  And lo and behold!  It really is a gap.  And you ask yourself, "could this be the one?"

So you go out on a limb and start putting the  proposal together.  It's going good.  Maybe not great but you're ready to say yup.  This is it.  I'm ready to start the rest of my life.

But unfortunately, the answer can't be found because the method you thought was going to give you the answers was derailed by an evil witch.  No really!  Okay.  Not really.  But I wanted to see if you were still with me.  It really did get derailed.

In having to go back and re-look at the literature (the online dating...I mean looking), I found that gap.  I have to rewrite the whole proposal.  Yes, the literature review too.   But I know what I'm going for now.  I don't know if my hypothesis is right or wrong but I know that my research will let me know.

I know that I know.

I know that MAM is the right one for me.  Simply put - I finally belong.  I know that "gap" is the right one.  Simply put...let's just suffice it to say that I know...that I know.  Because, yes, there are known knowns and known unknowns.  And I know that I know that too.

...and a PhD means...when I really know that I know...I'll know...



* http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/donaldrums148142.html#ZDiXRK0a7U4GYJUi.99

All we have to fear is...who knows?

Have you ever been afraid?  Have you ever been afraid and you don't even no why?  Have you ever had a friend that was afraid and you didn't understand why?

Fear is an acronym:  False Evidence Appearing Real.  What's true fear for you is not true for someone else and it's hard to understand sometimes why some one's afraid of something when you're not.  Well, it's the same for others too.

I have a pathological fear of cockroaches.  To some, that's silly.  I don't have a fear of mice but since I have a fear, I understand that some people do and it's not silly to them.

I'm told we can get over our fears.  I don't think so.  I think we get through our fears until they no longer control us.  Working through fear is different than magically getting over it.  Cause there have been times I've done things I've been terrified of but did them knowing I had to.

There's another fear though.  A fear of the unknown.  This fear is usually associated with death...what happens to us after we die?  But there's a fear about unknown love.  I call it the "what if" fear:  "What if I walk away?" - "What if I fail?" - "What if I succeed?" - "What if...?".

These are all unknowns.  Unknowns that we battle in our heads and hearts trying to find the answers. I've come to realize we won't know the answers until we act.  Only then will the unknowns become knowns and we end up working through our fears.  Hey, but "what if" that which we act upon doesn't produce a fear?  Well, then do we start fretting about why that is and when that second shoe is about to drop?

So with so much else we have we have the opportunity to fret about why would we fear the one thing we want the most -- a relationship?  "Does she like me?"  "What if she doesn't like me?"  "What if she thinks I'm crazy?"  (Okay, that last one can be thrown out...everyone thinks I'm looney bins...)

Why is beginning a relationship so scary?  It shouldn't be.  It should be natural, easy, fun, exciting.  So...why does it feel like high school all over again?  Well, maybe that's where the fear comes from.  I don't want to go back to high school.  There were tests in high school.  I have test anxiety...okay, fine, a fear of taking tests...but I digress...

Fear about relationships seems silly but it's real.  If broken down, it's not really a fear of being IN the relationship as much as it is a fear of the potential failure of the relationship.  Those of us who have lived, loved, and survived to tell about it, are jaded.  It's an unfortunate position to be in because we should be using our experience for good not evil...well, you know what I mean...

The experience of years should allow us to be calm, cool, and collected.  We should wear the badges of knowledge with pride chanting, "Those that are interested in a mature, stable, and proven person, please apply."  I do have an application for "the right woman" to fill out...God has it...He's in charge of the first interview...I get to do the second interview.  My application is similar to George Strait's song, Check Yes or No.  I gave Him my list and He's checking it off...yes, Santa Claus does that too but that's a different story...

I'm close to getting done with my dissertation proposal which is scary and stressful as it is.  I don't want the stress of worrying about a relationship.  I want a relationship that takes the stress out of my life.  Hell, life can be scary but we should all have a friend, companion, significant other, spouse, etc. to be by our side to help us through the scary parts; not BE the scary part.

Okay, God...whose next on the list?

...and a PhD means...that by working through my dissertation, I work through fears...but not fear a relationship...

Patience is supposed to be a virtue...I'm still impatiently patiently waiting...

Why is it that something you want really badly doesn't seem to come along quickly?

Oh, if I had the answer to that, I'd be riiiich!!  Or at least waiting for my ship to come in to capitalize on it.  I have "in limbo" situations that I'm "patiently" waiting for, I'm not sure how to go about being patient.

The house has been on the market for three months.  The price has dropped twice.  A plethora of people have come to see it.  So why hasn't it sold?  Why?  I want it sold now!  Patience...

I've been editing my Chapter 2 for quite a bit of time.  Why hasn't it come together?  I want it done now!  Patience...

Someone in my life...patience...

Somethings may never come along at all.  There's no patience great enough for those things.  You just have to learn to put them aside.  I don't know really know how to do that.  Some say that one can never put away the love you feel or the hurt you've encountered.  You just learn to deal with it and use it to your advantage.

Maybe that's what I'm doing.  I'm learning to use these things in a positive way.  Maybe God is using these hurts and these lost loves to teach me patience.  I sure wish He'd hurry up though.

If the house would sell, I could settle down for the next three to four years so I can retire from government service.  If I could finish my Chapters 1 & 2, I could feel like I've done accomplished something with my dissertation.  They do say that Chapter 2 is the hardest.  I sure as hell hope so.  If I could find someone whom will allow me to focus the love I feel for someone I can't have to indulge it on them...

One of Zig Ziglar's best insights (and he had a lot of them) is, "The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want right now".

Okay...but how does one keep that "wanting" from creeping up?  I do know that surrounding yourself with those that can support you, encourage you, inspire you, laugh with you, cry with you, get mad with you, and get crazy with you is probably the best thing you can do.  I was told be a successful business person that "you become that whom you associate with".

I try to associate with those that have the patience and determination to be successful in what they're doing.  I know that by watching them, talking to them, learning from them, I will gain the patience and achievements I aim for.  Henry David Thoreau said, "What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals".

So if my goal is to sell the house, and I have to be patient, I become the calm person I want to be.  If I want to finish Chapters 1 & 2, and of course Chapters 3-5 later, I need that calm spirit to be able to critically think in the terms I need to become that researcher and Doctor of Philosophy.  In turn, that calm, that patience will allow me to wait for whomever God has for me.

I may want these things now, but delayed gratification, patience, and the willingness to "let go and let God" direct the path I need to be on, will gain me more happiness and the success that God wants all of us to achieve.  Okay...but can He give me a clue to when?  Just kidding...

...and a PhD means...patience plus determination equals success and happiness...

Life's questions on moving on and moving forward...

Sometimes it's hard to continue on with something that you thought was once worth it.  Then when you figure out that it's not longer working out the feeling of investment turns into a feeling of failure, grief, or resentment.  Yes, all the feelings of loss.

This doesn't just apply to relationships, it applies to anything one has invested time, money, effort, etc. into it.  Once the recognition or admittance that it no longer is right for you or that you are no longer right for it or just it is not a good fit, the only thing to do is to step away.  However, that's easier said than done.

A relationship is probably the hardest thing to step away from especially if there is ownership of something between you.  Stepping away or getting rid of that ownership, say a house, is emotionally hard.  Investing time into something like a dissertation under a Committee Chair is also hard to change emotionally.  If there is a difference of opinion in how to proceed, it is hard to find common ground afterwards.  However, continuing under a new Chair that is unfamiliar is scary too.  Will you both be able to see "eye-to-eye" or is it another failure?  Being told by your boss that you're off your game is also hard.  It's not a failure per se, but close.  However, combining with the other events it comes close to feeling like a failed venture.  The difference is that you can at least pick-up where you've left off and succeed.

Selling a house is exciting and scary at the same time.  Having to move your "clutter" to a storage area almost makes one realize whether you needed that "clutter" in the first place.  I've got a lot of interests and those interests build up "clutter".  At the same time, it's very exciting to look for a place all your own...then you realize that you're all alone...  Starting a new relationship is scary.  So many things to think about.  So many things to fret about: will you do something "wrong"; will she be different than what she seems to be; will your family like her; will she honor your priorities in life (e.g. dissertation)?

Finding a new place to live isn't unstressful...Should I rent or buy?...Should I buy because in three years I may want to move and maybe the market won't be good enough for selling?...What's too big?...What's too small?...What if I really like a place and can't get it - should I settle or rent?


Changing a committee chair is similar to moving.  The same questions can apply: will we see eye-to-eye; will s/he be like the first Chair; will she understand your job?  But at the same time, it will be nice to feel like you have a fresh start and freedom to continue to write your dissertation without the fear of failing every quarter.

Heck, writing a dissertation has it's own stresses and questions: Can I even do this? Why did I start this? Will it make sense - AM I making sense?

Life's questions don't have to be so philosophical and deep.  They just have to be asked and faced.  Once an answer or decision is made, one has to - in military terms - move out!  Go forward.  You can look back but don't long for what was...look back and see what it teaches you.  It's okay to grieve and cry and to wonder why...I know, I know, that rhymed.  But it was the only way to put it succinctly.

I am moving forward.  My (ok our) house is on the market.  I am looking for a place to live that will allow me to grow with my new relationship.  I just received a new Committee Chair.  And I'm getting back - as my boss states - on top of my game.  It's scary, exciting, fun, aggravating, and other words I'm not right now thinking of.  But I know that I have the right people in my life behind me that will help me make the right decision(s)...and I thank God for all that He's given me and guiding me.  So in the words of the song that the Rascal Flats sing, "...I'm moving on...."

...and a PhD means...that moving on and moving forward, combined with life's philosophical questions and answers, are the means to living and being happy...

The Beginning of a New Chapter and the Ending of Another

Each time in our life that we change what we've done or are doing is a big mark in our lives.  Sometimes the change is easy to make and sometimes it's not.

The end of 2012 was the beginning of a new chapter in my life.  I met a wonderful woman, Cindy, whom I believe is the answer to my prayers.  I also know that this is the start of my finishing my dissertation. 

The beginning of 2013, however, was the beginning of a realization - my sister, Lisa, really is gone.  I know I will see her again but it doesn't make the pain of missing her any better.

How did this realization come?  Sister Weekend.  My three (I so want to say four) and I met in New York City and "terrorized" the town with our humor and laughter.  We had such a great time.  We knew Lisa was there with us.  It's not that.  It's just that she wasn't "there" with us.  It just wasn't the same.  I know now, that she is really gone.  It's probably easier for my other sisters because they live up there and have gotten used to not seeing her.  I, on the other hand, live far enough away that it's an emotional thing every time I return.  Though this isn't really returning, it was in a way...we were going to be together to do something we did when Lisa was still living now without her physically with us.

Now this is how quick I am - it hits me two weeks later.  While I'm in Canyon Lake, Texas, working on my dissertation.  That actually makes sense if you knew what my dissertation is about...basically,  patient-physician communication but at a higher level and a bit broader on the accreditation of health literacy.  The point is, it is that because of Lisa.  Though the actual cause of death is not what lead me to this topic, it was at one time.

I'm at a turning point in my writing and I think it's the emotions of finally getting to that point that makes this a big deal.  What's interesting is that my Skype-mates, Joanne and Elyse, have been where I have been in the dissertation-writing process.  They have paved the way for me to understand what I'm doing and how to continue to where I'm going.  I know that anyone reading this is probably thinking..."whatever"...but obtaining a PhD is/can be an overwhelming venture.

This year is also the end of my Army Reserve tenure and the service to my country while in uniform.  This is bittersweet.  I will have served for 30 years both on active duty and in Reserve status.  That's a lot of time.  But I'm glad for it to be done.  I'm physically broken and it's time for the younger generation to stand up and serve.  I did more than I ever thought I was going to and I'm proud of how I served.  I did it with integrity and compassion.  I bequeath those two things to my peers and colleagues...and my nephew, Matt.  I hope they serve as honorably as I have...that's all I ask.

So I know four things:

1)  I met Cindy who is very much the epitome of the list of what I was asking for and gave to God.  This meant that I knew that my life has changed for the better.  No more searching - just an exciting adventure for the rest of my life.

2)  Lisa is with the Lord and will be with me in spirit and I can stop looking for her around every corner.  Instead, I'll look for her in my memories and other aspects of my life.  That's not saying it won't hurt or be emotional...just another step on the path of healing...and perhaps helping Cindy with the passing of her mother...or helping each other...I like that thought better.

3)  My dissertation is going to be all that I want it to be.  I have two of the best friends anyone can ever have helping me.  I know that each of us and our dissertations are bound for great things.  It too is an exciting adventure.

4)  That though my Army career has ended, it doesn't mean my service to my country has.  I know that I will be serving in different capacities: as a Government Service Civilian; on the Gold Star Mothers National Statue Committee; with the publishing of my dissertation...and who knows what else my life holds!

My dreams are starting to soar again.

2012 is done but not gone...2013 has just begun...

...and a PhD means...that the door to yet another new beginning is near and yet already here...

The fear of failure vs the fear of success...which one do I have?

Have you ever thought about fear? The dictionary defines it as, "a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined."  I like the "imagined" part.  I've heard fear being described as an acronym: False Evidence Appearing Real.

So how does this emotion equate to success or failure?  I can understand the fear of failure.  No one really wants to fail.  But failure itself can be a very positive thing.  If you don't know what doesn't work, how will you know if something improves?  No one person will ever be successful all the time.  Failure is inevitable.

The fear of failure can be a positive thing as well.  If you know that your failure will lead to someone's death or injury, you will more likely be very careful and do everything in your power to not fail.  You become more detailed-oriented and your mindset will become what Gene Kranz stated, "Failure is not an option."

But learning to deal with failure takes time and learning not to fail takes practice and patience.

What about the fear of success?  Now this one has me stymied.  I'm not sure I understand why one would be afraid to succeed.  So I looked it up.  Russell Friedman states that we are familiar with failure and "The real issue is fear of success, and since we are not familiar with it, we are drawn away from it and back to what we know best, failure. It may seem odd since we covet success so much that we would veer from it just when it’s within our grasp."

Okay. That actually makes sense.  Here's more of what he says, "The issue of failure and success correlates to grief and loss in an interesting way, again by using the phrase, “In a crisis we go back to old beliefs and old behaviors.” When we experience a major loss—death,divorce, health, career—we automatically summon whatever information we have stored in our minds on how to deal with the feelings that loss provokes. The stored information we have will either be helpful or not helpful, and as such, will either lead to success or failure in how well we adapt to the loss and whether or not we know what to do to be able to complete what the loss left emotionally incomplete for us.  Success in recovering from grief is the result of small and correct action choices. But you must learn the correct choices and take them or you'll be like a hamster on a wheel going round in circles."

So what does this have to do with being a PhD?  Well...a lot, actually.

When I started my PhD program, I was riding on a high of graduating with my Masters with a really high GPA.  I was actually invited to be part of a honor society.  I had never had that before.  My sister, Lisa, was always in the honor society in high school and on Deans' lists in her undergraduate.  We graduated with our Masters together and this time, I was the one who received the honor society accolades.  I would have loved to have been in it with her, but she missed it by 0.02 grade points.

So I started my courses for my PhD but a year later, Lisa died.  I had trouble focusing and following through with class assignments.  I sought help with a grief counselor and made improvements and finished the coursework.  So what's taking me so long now?

Here's where Mr Friedman makes some sense.  Lisa finished her Masters and a year later passed away.  What happens if I finish my PhD?  No, the fear isn't real.  It's imagined.  I finished my Masters at the same time and I'm still here.  My fear of success comes from missing her in my life.  I wanted to her at my hooding.  Oh, I know she'll "be there"; but it won't be the same.

I'm not saying that there is only fear of success and not a fear of failure in there.  Cause I really don't like to fail or lose.  In fact, I'm pretty much a perfectionist when it comes to writing.  I don't want to hand anything in to my Chair that won't be accepted.

I don't think that's a fear of either success or failure...it's a fear of looking or sounding stupid...but I digress...

Understanding both fears - no matter whether one is really the other - helps me to do the small "correct action choices" that will get me past the fear.  Perhaps it is with this struggle that I will have the humility to be successful and help others be successful to.

...and a PhD means...or will mean...that I've succeeded in overcoming my fears...or at least I've had success in dealing with them...



(Fear of Failure or Fear of Success—a World of Difference
In a crisis we go back to old beliefs and old behaviors.
Published on June 21, 2012 by Russell Friedman in Broken Hearts. Retrieved from, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/broken-hearts/201206/fear-failure-or-fear-success-world-difference)

Changing of the Guard and Commander-in-Chief: Agreeing to Disagree

First - a bit of history and knowledge:

The Old Guard 

It is considered one of the highest honors to serve as a Sentinel at the Tomb of the Unknowns. Fewer than 20 percent of all volunteers are accepted for training and of those only a fraction pass training to become full-fledged Tomb Guards. This attrition rate has made the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier Identification Badge the second least-awarded decoration of the United States Military (the first being the Army Astronaut Badge).^[19]

The soldier "walking the mat" does not wear rank insignia on his or her uniform so that they do not outrank the Unknowns, whatever their rank may have been. Non-commissioned officers (usually the Relief Commander and Assistant Relief Commanders), do wear insignia of their rank when changing the guard only. They have a separate uniform (without rank) that is worn when they actually guard the Unknowns or are "Posted".

The duties of the sentinels are not purely ceremonial. The sentinels will confront people who cross the barriers at the tomb, or are disrespectful or loud.

Now my thoughts...
I have six months left until what they call my "mandatory retirement date". It is amazing to me that I have survived thirty years serving my country. I have served under five presidents...each one, my Commander-in-Chief. I have not always agreed with what they have done or commanded the military to do, but I love my country more than I disagree with them and will die for the right of "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" as well as the right to free speech and religion.

How many times have I heard someone say something that made my blood boil, I cannot count. I never started counting. It didn't matter because sometimes those people were my Commander-in-Chiefs, my superiors, my peers, my subordinates, even my family members. It is not important that I agree with everyone. We have the RIGHT to disagree. Not everyone can like each other. Not every one is always going to get along even if they DO like each other.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I am in no way advocating violence or hatred. On the contrary...I'm advocating peaceful change. But though I may not like what is said, I will fight to the death for the right for that person to say it. Isn't that one of the most amazing things - our first amendment right? Don't you wish other countries had it?

Just how did the United States get to be the police and clean-up crew of the world? Who knows? Perhaps it's when we had a chance to stand for something back in the 18th Century fighting for our right to be treated as people and not acquisitions of another country. Perhaps it's when we finally realized that we all bleed red blood and die no matter what the color of our skin. Maybe even perhaps it's when we saw the unjust treatment of others by people of their own country or not their own country that bullying isn't the answer. Whatever the reason, we were elected, chosen, destined to help.

I sure hope that the civil war the United States had in the 19th Century was the last one that will divide us with violence.

We have the right as citizens to choose whom we want to be our president. In four years two new people (maybe even three or four) will vie for our votes. We can fight with words...they say that the tongue is sharper than the knife and the pen is mightier than the sword. In over 200 years of our country's history, only 44 men have led; good and bad. Some longer than others. We can only hope that the person who we elect will have the dedication and tenacity to stand guard and be ready for whatever this country comes up against.

The reverence that the Old Guard has to those that fought and died for the rights and freedoms that we have today may be purely symbolic but it has some correlations to our country's presidency:
1) The guards don't wear rank so that they don't out-rank those they don't know that died for them - the president does NOT outrank the citizens of the United States.
2) They confront those who cross the barriers or are disrespectful or loud - the president should confront those countries that cross the boundaries of humanity and are disrespectful to mankind.
3) Though the guards are ceremonial, they don't stand of ceremony when they have to confront people - the president should not just be a figurehead or be politically-correct all the time and step off the pedestal when the time comes.

It does not matter whom I voted for or what policies I agree or disagree with. It only matters that I have the right and freedom to do so. I would rather you come at me with logic and facts to give an alternate way of thinking and allow me to process that and agree or disagree. BUT...I also ask that you allow me to do the same.

I love my country and I really hope that those of other nations really love their country and want to make it better and safer for their citizens as much as I do mine. I hope that you, as a citizen (if applicable) love this country as much as I do.

The guards will change to continue their watch. The presidency will change to continue to make this country the best. We will never agree on who it will be or who was the best or whether that policy was good or bad. As long as we can agree to disagree we'll be okay...cause that's life get over it!

...and a PhD means...that I learn more patience and tolerance for others...and myself...

Time In a Bottle, Calendars, and Lessons Learned

Have you ever had a time when you forgot to change the calendar to the next month? I just realized I hadn't changed this one for a month. I wonder why we do that? Is it to "stop" time? Do we really think that'll work?

Jim Croce sang about keeping time in a bottle to save every day to be able to spend that time with the loved one anytime he wished. Ultimately, he finds that there will never be enough time to spend with that one person or to do what one wants to. For all intents and purposes...that just sucks.

I look at the days now that I'm in my 50s and I want some of them back. I want to change some of the things I've said and done. Though I have done so many things and been so many incredible places, there are moments I wish I could relive and stay right there. I only have a few regrets that I try very hard to not let my thoughts and emotions get the better of me.

So I've probably piqued your curiosity, huh? Okay, I will share with you what those moments are and what I've learned from them.

One thing I would have done differently is to take a picture of my sister, Lisa, and me when she and I had an hour or so together as we walked around the zoo talking. I took pictures of animals instead. Little did I know that in two to three months she would not be with us on this earth. It was a special time for us and I put that memory in my personal "bottle" and visit it often.

I would have found just that little bit more time to spend with the one I love when we could be together; bask in the closeness and the safety of her arms. I don't know that those moments will ever happen again...and I miss it with a deep longing and a yearning to re-encounter it.

One regret is that I would have listened to my instincts and flew up the morning of 24 August. I may have had the one chance to see my sister. I live close enough but yet so far away. 

So what are the lessons that I learned from this?

I learned to not rush certain things. Get someplace early, if possible, and take in all that there is. Stay a bit after and maybe experience something so incredible. Listen to what people have to say; hang on every word. Talk to as many people as possible. Get their story. It may surprise you what you learn from them.

I have a friend that passed away a couple of days ago. I was privileged enough to be able to call her friend and have the opportunity to spend a short amount of time with her. Last year she knew she was dying of cancer. Though she hoped to stave off the inevitable, she wasn't afraid. Her courage and poise was amazing. Her she was fighting for her life and she had the grace to coach me through the understanding of death; that it is not something to fear but to embrace. Her faith in Christ was strong. Even though a few days before her death when given the news it would be soon, I cried for hours, upon the news that she too left this world, I was able to rejoice for her.

Drink in the moments that you know won't last forever. Savor every second. Know every taste, smell, feel, sound. Don't let one small thing interrupt or ruin a moment.

Laugh hard and long. Retell the things that you laugh at and don't worry if someone else doesn't "get it"...who cares? It was funny to you and that is all that matters.

Do things now. They may be chores, projects, whatever. DO them...NOW. Don't look back and think "what if" or say, "I coulda, shoulda, woulda." Television is fun but it should not be a crutch. Take a sick day off of work and just watch movies. But don't sit and watch TV when you know you should be doing something else. All that serves to do is pile guilt on and smother it with a feeling of being overwhelmed and scrambling to find the time to spend with loved ones and friends.

My friend, I trust that you have dreams, desires, and goals. Well, at least I hope you do. If there is one thing you need to let out of the bottle it would be one or all of those. Those are the things you put a mark on the calendar and aim for. Don't stop until you've achieved it. Try...try again.

...and a PhD means...I am learning about life as much as I am learning about the contents of getting my doctorate: get it done, enjoy life, enjoy people, and be in the "now".

Bent Dog-Tag, Silver Lining, and Other Rules

There are times that I feel like I am the one that knows this or that backward and forwards...which differs from the time that I feel like a complete dunce. I'm sure everyone has had both of those moments. The problem is that I seem to have a lot of them lately...sometimes one right after the other.

Take today...I'm at the library in Dennis, Massachusetts (Cape Cod) going through all the articles that I have found thus far. Then I go to the Walden Library online and search for more articles (Why? Because my Chair said that I need a minimum of 10 articles. So I'm looking and looking and looking...you get the idea...and I realize as I compare what the search has found that I have them downloaded already.

Damn I'm good! At first I felt like I was...you know "all that and a bag of chips"...THEN I realized...wait...I had them already...why didn't I use them? Well, hell! Now I just feel dumb.

Now my two friends that are with me said look at the bright side...I don't have to spend my time looking things up...just reading and writing. Now that's what friends are for.

So I sat there thinking about all the times that people have that instant feel good moment taken away. Perhaps they should look at the bright side and realize that there's a silver lining...if they can see it.

I spent my career looking for the silver lining in everything I did. Why? Because my father told me to. When he commissioned me as a Second Lieutenant in the US Army Reserves, he told me three rules:

1. They can't kill you...they can bend your dog-tags but they can't kill you.

It took me a while to figure that out...cause of course my consistent analytical mind said that they could kill me. There's a lot of things soldiers die from literally...but not metaphorically...

2. There are opportunities in life. They may be yours they may not be but you won't know unless you look at them. You can always say no, but if that opportunity passes, you won't have the ability to say yes or no to it.

I looked at a lot of opportunities in my life and I'm really glad I had that piece of advice. I had the pleasure of doing a lot things that I wouldn't have and that other people will never have the chance/opportunity to.

3. Not everything is fun. So make it fun. Find that silver lining and have fun.

Now, I must say, that this one was not hard for me to obtain at all. I knew how to have fun. I see the lighter and funnier side of life in so many things. This is not to say that there hasn't been heartache, tears, sorrow, and times I thought I'd never be happy again. But eventually even through all those times, I can look back and see some fun times.

I've only added one rule...

4. You never know until you ask.

All they can say is "no". You're no worse off then you were before. So if they say "yes" then it's just the gravy on top...another silver lining if you will.

So that's what I did with my Chapter 2 a couple of weeks ago. I handed it in to my Chair. All she can say is that it wasn't right do it again...okay...but she didn't...she said I needed more but it was a great start. Yup I felt that "all-knowing" feeling again...until I looked at all the articles and dissertations I forgot I had and didn't go through...

Oh, well...she bent my dog-tag, but there's an opportunity to do it better, and the silver lining is that it is a great start! I'm still using Dad's rules. He'd be so proud.

...and a PhD means...that rules are guidelines and life needs them for the lessons you learn...

Oh, the Insanity!

It is said that there is a fine line between insanity and genius. I wonder how one can tell which one they are. I guess if one isn't deemed a genius in the first place then perhaps one can consider them self insane. I guess I know I'm not a genius but I don't consider myself insane either. So how fine o9f a line is it?

So is sanity based on what decisions one makes or the paths they choose in life? Wow, that would probably make 90% of us insane...wouldn't you think? I mean come on...whom among us has not ever made a choice or decision or even had a thought that someone must have thought, "What were they thinking?" Oh, hey, my Mom probably thought that every day when I was a kid...and she asked me that on several occasions. I know that's probably hard to imagine...and you don't even know me, right?

Man I digress allot - maybe that makes me insane...or just clever?

I'm gay - if you've read my other posts and haven't picked up on that quite yet, then I'll save you a bit of guess-work. However, feel free to read or reread my other posts. But I digress...  So why am I telling you this? Because sometimes people think this is a choice. WHO in their right mind would choose to be gay? We're scorned, sometimes beaten or spit on, and don't even have the same rights as "straight" people that aren't married, but living together!

It's okay. At least I'm not a politician. I mean really. That is a choice. WHO in their right mind would choose to be a politician? These people have to be insane. Talk about scorned and hated; and they drive us insane as well. I have such a hard time figuring out who's telling the truth. I have not registered for either party. Why? Because, I want part of this guy's philosophy and that guy's abilities...maybe then we can have the perfect candidate.

The bad part is - we have to make a choice between the two. For some that's an easy decision. They are one party or the other - die-hard, true-blue, through-and-through. I wonder how many secretly don't like their candidate but don't want to be scorned by their loved ones or friends. For others, like me, we have to pick the lesser of the two weasels. That in itself is enough to make one go insane or "looney-toons".

Everybody makes choices in their lifetime. I hold to the thought that the majority of the people try to make good decisions for themselves and their families. I am sure that there are times that "It seemed a good idea at the time" gets spoken. Perhaps research should be done on how often each age group says that.

And here's example of a choice in some one's life that did seem like a good idea at the time: getting a PhD. No really. I obviously know this first hand. I can't tell you how many times I've questioned why I'm doing this to myself. I think this was all in a period of the past three months and I've been enrolled in this program for four years now. It's the dissertation. I'm sure of that. It's a "project" that I wouldn't sic on my worst enemy...wait...maybe we should ask the Taliban to write a thesis or dissertation about why they are motivated to do what they do and perhaps by the time they finish, they'll be just a bit less motivated. It could happen! Okay, not likely, but one can dream can't they?

So am I insane or genius? I don't know either. Don't ask those that I work for or with. I already know what they'll say. But perhaps when I'm done with my studies and the powers-to-be at Walden University say "Yea verily, you art thou a Doctor of Philosophy" I'll look back and say, "That wasn't so bad". Yeah...that's not gonna happen. So let's you and I make a pact that we try to make the best choices we can with the information we have and never use the phrase, "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

We can't be convicted for living our lives the best we can and making the best choices we can. We can only plead innocent by reason of insanity or genius.

...and a PhD means...I'm on my way to being an insane genius...?