Each time in our life that we change what we've done or are doing is a big mark in our lives. Sometimes the change is easy to make and sometimes it's not.
The end of 2012 was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I met a wonderful woman, Cindy, whom I believe is the answer to my prayers. I also know that this is the start of my finishing my dissertation.
The beginning of 2013, however, was the beginning of a realization - my sister, Lisa, really is gone. I know I will see her again but it doesn't make the pain of missing her any better.
How did this realization come? Sister Weekend. My three (I so want to say four) and I met in New York City and "terrorized" the town with our humor and laughter. We had such a great time. We knew Lisa was there with us. It's not that. It's just that she wasn't "there" with us. It just wasn't the same. I know now, that she is really gone. It's probably easier for my other sisters because they live up there and have gotten used to not seeing her. I, on the other hand, live far enough away that it's an emotional thing every time I return. Though this isn't really returning, it was in a way...we were going to be together to do something we did when Lisa was still living now without her physically with us.
Now this is how quick I am - it hits me two weeks later. While I'm in Canyon Lake, Texas, working on my dissertation. That actually makes sense if you knew what my dissertation is about...basically, patient-physician communication but at a higher level and a bit broader on the accreditation of health literacy. The point is, it is that because of Lisa. Though the actual cause of death is not what lead me to this topic, it was at one time.
I'm at a turning point in my writing and I think it's the emotions of finally getting to that point that makes this a big deal. What's interesting is that my Skype-mates, Joanne and Elyse, have been where I have been in the dissertation-writing process. They have paved the way for me to understand what I'm doing and how to continue to where I'm going. I know that anyone reading this is probably thinking..."whatever"...but obtaining a PhD is/can be an overwhelming venture.
This year is also the end of my Army Reserve tenure and the service to my country while in uniform. This is bittersweet. I will have served for 30 years both on active duty and in Reserve status. That's a lot of time. But I'm glad for it to be done. I'm physically broken and it's time for the younger generation to stand up and serve. I did more than I ever thought I was going to and I'm proud of how I served. I did it with integrity and compassion. I bequeath those two things to my peers and colleagues...and my nephew, Matt. I hope they serve as honorably as I have...that's all I ask.
So I know four things:
1) I met Cindy who is very much the epitome of the list of what I was asking for and gave to God. This meant that I knew that my life has changed for the better. No more searching - just an exciting adventure for the rest of my life.
2) Lisa is with the Lord and will be with me in spirit and I can stop looking for her around every corner. Instead, I'll look for her in my memories and other aspects of my life. That's not saying it won't hurt or be emotional...just another step on the path of healing...and perhaps helping Cindy with the passing of her mother...or helping each other...I like that thought better.
3) My dissertation is going to be all that I want it to be. I have two of the best friends anyone can ever have helping me. I know that each of us and our dissertations are bound for great things. It too is an exciting adventure.
4) That though my Army career has ended, it doesn't mean my service to my country has. I know that I will be serving in different capacities: as a Government Service Civilian; on the Gold Star Mothers National Statue Committee; with the publishing of my dissertation...and who knows what else my life holds!
My dreams are starting to soar again.
2012 is done but not gone...2013 has just begun...
...and a PhD means...that the door to yet another new beginning is near and yet already here...
