Changing of the Guard and Commander-in-Chief: Agreeing to Disagree

First - a bit of history and knowledge:

The Old Guard 

It is considered one of the highest honors to serve as a Sentinel at the Tomb of the Unknowns. Fewer than 20 percent of all volunteers are accepted for training and of those only a fraction pass training to become full-fledged Tomb Guards. This attrition rate has made the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier Identification Badge the second least-awarded decoration of the United States Military (the first being the Army Astronaut Badge).^[19]

The soldier "walking the mat" does not wear rank insignia on his or her uniform so that they do not outrank the Unknowns, whatever their rank may have been. Non-commissioned officers (usually the Relief Commander and Assistant Relief Commanders), do wear insignia of their rank when changing the guard only. They have a separate uniform (without rank) that is worn when they actually guard the Unknowns or are "Posted".

The duties of the sentinels are not purely ceremonial. The sentinels will confront people who cross the barriers at the tomb, or are disrespectful or loud.

Now my thoughts...
I have six months left until what they call my "mandatory retirement date". It is amazing to me that I have survived thirty years serving my country. I have served under five presidents...each one, my Commander-in-Chief. I have not always agreed with what they have done or commanded the military to do, but I love my country more than I disagree with them and will die for the right of "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" as well as the right to free speech and religion.

How many times have I heard someone say something that made my blood boil, I cannot count. I never started counting. It didn't matter because sometimes those people were my Commander-in-Chiefs, my superiors, my peers, my subordinates, even my family members. It is not important that I agree with everyone. We have the RIGHT to disagree. Not everyone can like each other. Not every one is always going to get along even if they DO like each other.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I am in no way advocating violence or hatred. On the contrary...I'm advocating peaceful change. But though I may not like what is said, I will fight to the death for the right for that person to say it. Isn't that one of the most amazing things - our first amendment right? Don't you wish other countries had it?

Just how did the United States get to be the police and clean-up crew of the world? Who knows? Perhaps it's when we had a chance to stand for something back in the 18th Century fighting for our right to be treated as people and not acquisitions of another country. Perhaps it's when we finally realized that we all bleed red blood and die no matter what the color of our skin. Maybe even perhaps it's when we saw the unjust treatment of others by people of their own country or not their own country that bullying isn't the answer. Whatever the reason, we were elected, chosen, destined to help.

I sure hope that the civil war the United States had in the 19th Century was the last one that will divide us with violence.

We have the right as citizens to choose whom we want to be our president. In four years two new people (maybe even three or four) will vie for our votes. We can fight with words...they say that the tongue is sharper than the knife and the pen is mightier than the sword. In over 200 years of our country's history, only 44 men have led; good and bad. Some longer than others. We can only hope that the person who we elect will have the dedication and tenacity to stand guard and be ready for whatever this country comes up against.

The reverence that the Old Guard has to those that fought and died for the rights and freedoms that we have today may be purely symbolic but it has some correlations to our country's presidency:
1) The guards don't wear rank so that they don't out-rank those they don't know that died for them - the president does NOT outrank the citizens of the United States.
2) They confront those who cross the barriers or are disrespectful or loud - the president should confront those countries that cross the boundaries of humanity and are disrespectful to mankind.
3) Though the guards are ceremonial, they don't stand of ceremony when they have to confront people - the president should not just be a figurehead or be politically-correct all the time and step off the pedestal when the time comes.

It does not matter whom I voted for or what policies I agree or disagree with. It only matters that I have the right and freedom to do so. I would rather you come at me with logic and facts to give an alternate way of thinking and allow me to process that and agree or disagree. BUT...I also ask that you allow me to do the same.

I love my country and I really hope that those of other nations really love their country and want to make it better and safer for their citizens as much as I do mine. I hope that you, as a citizen (if applicable) love this country as much as I do.

The guards will change to continue their watch. The presidency will change to continue to make this country the best. We will never agree on who it will be or who was the best or whether that policy was good or bad. As long as we can agree to disagree we'll be okay...cause that's life get over it!

...and a PhD means...that I learn more patience and tolerance for others...and myself...

Time In a Bottle, Calendars, and Lessons Learned

Have you ever had a time when you forgot to change the calendar to the next month? I just realized I hadn't changed this one for a month. I wonder why we do that? Is it to "stop" time? Do we really think that'll work?

Jim Croce sang about keeping time in a bottle to save every day to be able to spend that time with the loved one anytime he wished. Ultimately, he finds that there will never be enough time to spend with that one person or to do what one wants to. For all intents and purposes...that just sucks.

I look at the days now that I'm in my 50s and I want some of them back. I want to change some of the things I've said and done. Though I have done so many things and been so many incredible places, there are moments I wish I could relive and stay right there. I only have a few regrets that I try very hard to not let my thoughts and emotions get the better of me.

So I've probably piqued your curiosity, huh? Okay, I will share with you what those moments are and what I've learned from them.

One thing I would have done differently is to take a picture of my sister, Lisa, and me when she and I had an hour or so together as we walked around the zoo talking. I took pictures of animals instead. Little did I know that in two to three months she would not be with us on this earth. It was a special time for us and I put that memory in my personal "bottle" and visit it often.

I would have found just that little bit more time to spend with the one I love when we could be together; bask in the closeness and the safety of her arms. I don't know that those moments will ever happen again...and I miss it with a deep longing and a yearning to re-encounter it.

One regret is that I would have listened to my instincts and flew up the morning of 24 August. I may have had the one chance to see my sister. I live close enough but yet so far away. 

So what are the lessons that I learned from this?

I learned to not rush certain things. Get someplace early, if possible, and take in all that there is. Stay a bit after and maybe experience something so incredible. Listen to what people have to say; hang on every word. Talk to as many people as possible. Get their story. It may surprise you what you learn from them.

I have a friend that passed away a couple of days ago. I was privileged enough to be able to call her friend and have the opportunity to spend a short amount of time with her. Last year she knew she was dying of cancer. Though she hoped to stave off the inevitable, she wasn't afraid. Her courage and poise was amazing. Her she was fighting for her life and she had the grace to coach me through the understanding of death; that it is not something to fear but to embrace. Her faith in Christ was strong. Even though a few days before her death when given the news it would be soon, I cried for hours, upon the news that she too left this world, I was able to rejoice for her.

Drink in the moments that you know won't last forever. Savor every second. Know every taste, smell, feel, sound. Don't let one small thing interrupt or ruin a moment.

Laugh hard and long. Retell the things that you laugh at and don't worry if someone else doesn't "get it"...who cares? It was funny to you and that is all that matters.

Do things now. They may be chores, projects, whatever. DO them...NOW. Don't look back and think "what if" or say, "I coulda, shoulda, woulda." Television is fun but it should not be a crutch. Take a sick day off of work and just watch movies. But don't sit and watch TV when you know you should be doing something else. All that serves to do is pile guilt on and smother it with a feeling of being overwhelmed and scrambling to find the time to spend with loved ones and friends.

My friend, I trust that you have dreams, desires, and goals. Well, at least I hope you do. If there is one thing you need to let out of the bottle it would be one or all of those. Those are the things you put a mark on the calendar and aim for. Don't stop until you've achieved it. Try...try again.

...and a PhD means...I am learning about life as much as I am learning about the contents of getting my doctorate: get it done, enjoy life, enjoy people, and be in the "now".

Bent Dog-Tag, Silver Lining, and Other Rules

There are times that I feel like I am the one that knows this or that backward and forwards...which differs from the time that I feel like a complete dunce. I'm sure everyone has had both of those moments. The problem is that I seem to have a lot of them lately...sometimes one right after the other.

Take today...I'm at the library in Dennis, Massachusetts (Cape Cod) going through all the articles that I have found thus far. Then I go to the Walden Library online and search for more articles (Why? Because my Chair said that I need a minimum of 10 articles. So I'm looking and looking and looking...you get the idea...and I realize as I compare what the search has found that I have them downloaded already.

Damn I'm good! At first I felt like I was...you know "all that and a bag of chips"...THEN I realized...wait...I had them already...why didn't I use them? Well, hell! Now I just feel dumb.

Now my two friends that are with me said look at the bright side...I don't have to spend my time looking things up...just reading and writing. Now that's what friends are for.

So I sat there thinking about all the times that people have that instant feel good moment taken away. Perhaps they should look at the bright side and realize that there's a silver lining...if they can see it.

I spent my career looking for the silver lining in everything I did. Why? Because my father told me to. When he commissioned me as a Second Lieutenant in the US Army Reserves, he told me three rules:

1. They can't kill you...they can bend your dog-tags but they can't kill you.

It took me a while to figure that out...cause of course my consistent analytical mind said that they could kill me. There's a lot of things soldiers die from literally...but not metaphorically...

2. There are opportunities in life. They may be yours they may not be but you won't know unless you look at them. You can always say no, but if that opportunity passes, you won't have the ability to say yes or no to it.

I looked at a lot of opportunities in my life and I'm really glad I had that piece of advice. I had the pleasure of doing a lot things that I wouldn't have and that other people will never have the chance/opportunity to.

3. Not everything is fun. So make it fun. Find that silver lining and have fun.

Now, I must say, that this one was not hard for me to obtain at all. I knew how to have fun. I see the lighter and funnier side of life in so many things. This is not to say that there hasn't been heartache, tears, sorrow, and times I thought I'd never be happy again. But eventually even through all those times, I can look back and see some fun times.

I've only added one rule...

4. You never know until you ask.

All they can say is "no". You're no worse off then you were before. So if they say "yes" then it's just the gravy on top...another silver lining if you will.

So that's what I did with my Chapter 2 a couple of weeks ago. I handed it in to my Chair. All she can say is that it wasn't right do it again...okay...but she didn't...she said I needed more but it was a great start. Yup I felt that "all-knowing" feeling again...until I looked at all the articles and dissertations I forgot I had and didn't go through...

Oh, well...she bent my dog-tag, but there's an opportunity to do it better, and the silver lining is that it is a great start! I'm still using Dad's rules. He'd be so proud.

...and a PhD means...that rules are guidelines and life needs them for the lessons you learn...

Oh, the Insanity!

It is said that there is a fine line between insanity and genius. I wonder how one can tell which one they are. I guess if one isn't deemed a genius in the first place then perhaps one can consider them self insane. I guess I know I'm not a genius but I don't consider myself insane either. So how fine o9f a line is it?

So is sanity based on what decisions one makes or the paths they choose in life? Wow, that would probably make 90% of us insane...wouldn't you think? I mean come on...whom among us has not ever made a choice or decision or even had a thought that someone must have thought, "What were they thinking?" Oh, hey, my Mom probably thought that every day when I was a kid...and she asked me that on several occasions. I know that's probably hard to imagine...and you don't even know me, right?

Man I digress allot - maybe that makes me insane...or just clever?

I'm gay - if you've read my other posts and haven't picked up on that quite yet, then I'll save you a bit of guess-work. However, feel free to read or reread my other posts. But I digress...  So why am I telling you this? Because sometimes people think this is a choice. WHO in their right mind would choose to be gay? We're scorned, sometimes beaten or spit on, and don't even have the same rights as "straight" people that aren't married, but living together!

It's okay. At least I'm not a politician. I mean really. That is a choice. WHO in their right mind would choose to be a politician? These people have to be insane. Talk about scorned and hated; and they drive us insane as well. I have such a hard time figuring out who's telling the truth. I have not registered for either party. Why? Because, I want part of this guy's philosophy and that guy's abilities...maybe then we can have the perfect candidate.

The bad part is - we have to make a choice between the two. For some that's an easy decision. They are one party or the other - die-hard, true-blue, through-and-through. I wonder how many secretly don't like their candidate but don't want to be scorned by their loved ones or friends. For others, like me, we have to pick the lesser of the two weasels. That in itself is enough to make one go insane or "looney-toons".

Everybody makes choices in their lifetime. I hold to the thought that the majority of the people try to make good decisions for themselves and their families. I am sure that there are times that "It seemed a good idea at the time" gets spoken. Perhaps research should be done on how often each age group says that.

And here's example of a choice in some one's life that did seem like a good idea at the time: getting a PhD. No really. I obviously know this first hand. I can't tell you how many times I've questioned why I'm doing this to myself. I think this was all in a period of the past three months and I've been enrolled in this program for four years now. It's the dissertation. I'm sure of that. It's a "project" that I wouldn't sic on my worst enemy...wait...maybe we should ask the Taliban to write a thesis or dissertation about why they are motivated to do what they do and perhaps by the time they finish, they'll be just a bit less motivated. It could happen! Okay, not likely, but one can dream can't they?

So am I insane or genius? I don't know either. Don't ask those that I work for or with. I already know what they'll say. But perhaps when I'm done with my studies and the powers-to-be at Walden University say "Yea verily, you art thou a Doctor of Philosophy" I'll look back and say, "That wasn't so bad". Yeah...that's not gonna happen. So let's you and I make a pact that we try to make the best choices we can with the information we have and never use the phrase, "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

We can't be convicted for living our lives the best we can and making the best choices we can. We can only plead innocent by reason of insanity or genius.

...and a PhD means...I'm on my way to being an insane genius...?

A Pessimistically Optimistic Cynic Using "Dis"functional Words...

Everyone knows that a pessimist is so because if it turns out the way they think, they're not disappointed. Or if it turns out better than they think, then, YAY!, they are pleasantly surprised and delighted. I know a lot of people that way...and it bugs me. I want people to optimistic. Why not? It's good for you.

Me? I'm an optimist...for the most part. Really. I really always hope for the best. I know, I know...if it doesn't turn out right, then I'm disappointed. Maybe...maybe I really know what it's going to be but really hope it turns out better. 

Now, I'm not an eternal optimist. Those people are crazy. They never think that anything will turn out bad...they just never foresee that. So, yes...they get disappointed...A LOT...just saying.

I don't know that I could ever do that continually get disappointed...oh, wait...that's life! Silly me. But I don't think I'm a pessimist...I'm just...becoming cynical. What? I can't be all three? Okay, let's look at another word for cynical: skeptical, doubtful, distrustful, suspicious, disbelieving, negative, world-weary, disillusioned, pessimistic (the thesaurus said so), disenchanted, jaundiced, sardonic...you pick. I could explain why I could be any one of these. But just for argument's sake, I will only use the four "dis"-functional words.

I'll start with "dis"trustful. I don't trust any more. I want to...and sometimes do...then get "dis"appointed...a-ga-in (sorry, I keep hearing Forest Gump saying that). Besides my family (which, by the way is my "dis"claimer for this post) and some very close friends, I don't trust what people say. I don't trust I know what is real.

Next we have "dis"believing. I am a Christian. I believe that God loves me. I have a hard time believing that there is real love (please remember the "dis"claimer) beyond that. I know that there are many people who have found their true love, soulmate, partner. I believe they have and I couldn't be happier. As time goes on, I just don't believe there is that one person for me.

This is a good segue to "dis"illusioned. It is "dis"believe's friend. I think the reason I "dis"trust and "dis"believe is because I am so "dis"illusioned in what it means to be loved. And "dis"illusioned's twin is "dis"enchanted. I am so "dis"enchanted with this "falling in love" and "love at first sight" thing. I wish I could believe in it. Maybe this is Cinderella in an alternate universe.

Why am I bringing this up? Well, because a friend of mine...same friend that wrote that email I mentioned in another post told me to stop settling. Okay...that's a great idea! Wait! How will I know when the right person appears and I won't go into a "dis"functional spin? Does my heart have it in itself to even test the waters? My heart will be safe if I don't break down these walls.

Come to think about it...these are the same emotions that one goes through while writing their "dis"sertation...will you look at that? Another "dis"functional word. Well, isn't that special? I guess I'm "dis"functional in two ways. So just like love, getting a PhD is a roller coaster ride. At least with the "dis"sertation, I will know when I get it right.

So I guess I'll keep on living, writing...and yes, even loving and trusting...and who knows...maybe there really is a Santa Claus who will gift-wrap the right person for me...it could happen!

...and a PhD means...I'm learning that though the "dis"functional words are "dis"criptive...they're not necessarily truth...

The bag of chips..."off the ol' block"...

I remember the carefree times as a kid. The only worry in the world was either homework or if some girl or guy liked you. For some of us that grew up in the Vietnam War era, the added worry was whether your Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Uncle, etc. was going to come home. For me, it was my Dad.

I remember the reel-to-reel tapes that brought his voice home to us. His letters (which I still have) that mostly told us to be good girls (there were only 3 of the 5 of us then) for Mom. I don't remember some of the details. Like when he came home for one or two weeks on an "R&R" (rest and recuperation). But I remember one time in particular when he was leaving. I have a photo, but it's so clear in my head. I look at that photo now and I see things I didn't see as a kid; worry, tiredness...strength. That was my Mom too. Had I taken a photo of her at that same moment, I probably would see the same things.

As I grew older, there seemed to be more to worry about. And the way I saw my parents changed too. I remember the day I realized just how smart my Dad was. He had retired from the Army after 23 years and was teaching Basic and Cobol computer languages at New Hampshire College (now it's Southern New Hampshire University). I was attending Plymouth State College (now a university - PSU) and was going to be taking a computer class that next spring semester. My Dad suggested that I sit in on his classes and learn a bit before I do to get me ahead of the game. But this isn't where I realized his intelligence...it is, however, where I realized that the Dad that was so strict actually had a sense of humor...wow...

After the class one day, we went to his office to before going to get some lunch and a young student came to his door and asked for help. She said she needed to a program for something (I don't remember what) but didn't know how or where to start it. So in about five minutes, my Dad had written a basic start of a program simple enough for her to understand but complex enough to what she needed. She left happy and I sat there dumbfounded. Who was this man, and where was my Dad?

A few years earlier, Grandpop (Dad's Dad) passed away. I didn't really know him. What I remember of him was that he was always cleaning the pool, smoking cigars, down at the bar he owned, or at the Masonic lodge. It was after he died that I learned the impact he had in others' lives. He was a Merchant Marine and designed a valve that would stop the back flow of oil from spilling when the hose from the USNS tanker to the USS ships was disconnected. Wow...pretty cool. He would bring people into his home, give them food, shelter, clothing, money, whatever they needed. There was standing room only at his funeral. I wish I knew him and was able to capture more stories from him before he died.

I've wished that with my one of my four sisters too. I can remember the times, though, when I realized how smart each of my sisters were in their own right. All of them are mothers and they are wonderful at that. It was the moment when I realized they were "Rock Stars" at what they did.

Karen, three years my senior, was a great business mind. She was managing a women's clothing store that was really three stores side-by-side. I watched her interact with her employees and her customers. She had been recognized for having the best sales time-after-time. Even now as she's built her insurance business up. Rock Star!

Gretchen is nine years my junior. I remember when she was born. I was there when her oldest child, Jake, was born. For her, it was when she got her new job after being laid off for seven or nine months. It was something about her - confidence maybe - that just said, "this woman knows what she's doing and knows that she knows."Definitely a Rock Star.

Ginger is the youngest of us (11 years younger than me). She has been working for and/or managing the bookstores at Salem State College for years and now is a Regional Manager for the University of Massachusetts. Her moment for me was when she gave our nephew (Karen's son, Steve) a job for the second time. Her influence on him and her belief in him showed me how she was with her other employees. I've never been to her bookstores. I don't need to. Rock Star all the way.

I left my "twin" for last. She's not really my twin, but we looked so much alike that many thought we were. Lisa, is a year and a half older than I. She passed away almost three years ago. There's actually two times that I saw the Rock Star in her. The first was when she came to DC for a conference with some of her office people. We met up and had dinner. How she interacted with them - they hung on her every word. She loved and respected them and they her. The second time was at her wake and her funeral. She had over 1000 people at her wake to pay their respects. The great percentage were because of who she was to them. For thirteen years she worked in the financial aid office of SNHU and was the Director of Financial Aid at Granite State College for a year before she passed away. At her passing was when people seemed to come out of the woodwork to tell of what she did for them. I was stunned. I had not known all she had done.

Karen talked about "the dash". It's the hyphen between the year of birth and the year of death. It's so small on a tombstone...but for my Grandfather and my sister, that little line was magnanimous. They were Rock Stars. How could I not know this about them?

I don't want to be remiss and not mention my Mom cause she's been a Rock Star herself...and a "rock" for all of us. Not to say that my sister's passing didn't shake that rock but it didn't come loose from the foundation.

So looking at it, my Dad was a chip off my grandfather's block and we're all chips off our Dad's block. Well, at least I hope I am. It took me many years before I knew what I wanted to do when I grew up...which is probably why I didn't grow up for many years...but I digress...But it wasn't until Lisa's death that I knew what I was going to do with my PhD. I wanted it originally so I could teach at the university level. Know it's more than that. Lisa gave of herself and would not stop until she had an answer for someone or a way to help them. In that light, I am going to find out why we are still in the dark ages in diagnosing and treating blood clots. There's more to it, but that's for another blog.

I want to be a Rock Star too. I'll retire from the Army Reserves after 30 years at the same rank as my Dad and about the same time period I will be getting my PhD. Not to be a Rock Star but to make a difference in someone's life. I wonder if I pick up all the chips from off the blocks how full the bag will be.

...and a PhD means...that I'm going be that "Rock Star" someday cause I'm already a "chip off the ol' block"...

I AM - I said...

I sit here staring at my paper...Chapter 2 of my dissertation. I feel like it's not quite there. All these thoughts are running through my head but I can't seems to write that fast. I've written an outline and literally revamped it 10-15 times yet I still can't seem to shake the feeling that it's not right. But I do know that it's close. Why can't it go from head to hand?

We are taught at an early age to improve our "hand-eye-coordination". We are told to "think". We are told to be observant. We are told to go for our dreams.

Where then, does the fear of failure come from? Why are we so afraid to go for it and so what if we fail?

I have been through so much in my life. I was told by counselors, therapists, etc., to journal. I've always been a writer. I've always loved to write. Sometimes cryptically. Sometimes straight forward (hence this blog, duh). But I love words. I do what is known as free-writing. Musicians do it. They just play music. Not a song that has a beginning and an end...just what comes out of them. I do that sometimes on my guitar or my drums. I don't play for people. I play for myself. I do write songs with lyrics. Not many people have heard them. I'm afraid they won't like them. I do the same with my writing. I do have a website that I put some on (which I shamelessly put here: http://leesongs.net)...just in case someone stumbles across it. Then anonymously if they like it, nice. If not, then I'm not hurt by rejection.

Oh...wait! There's that word!

But that's it!! "Rejection"! That's the fear's name!

WHY DO WE CARE what other people think? Why do we care if we wear the "right" clothes? Does it really matter? Who we are inside is all that matters. How we act - how we treat others is what's important. Do you really care what I wear as you read this? Do you really care how I treat others? You'd better! I've been rejected by worse. Yet I fall into that trap of worrying how people see me.

I have a friend that retired from the Army a couple of years ago. In the service he was a Chaplain's Assistant. He was good at his job. He is also gay. This was before the repeal of DADT (Don't Ask Don't Tell). After he retired he slowly became himself. He always dresses like a gentleman but he's relaxed and different somehow. And it's so great to see him BE himself. He doesn't care what others think and he still works with a lot of the same people that knew him when he was in uniform.

My boss is a woman. In her life, she's had to be aggressive to be able to be where she is today. She doesn't care if she's not liked. She treats people nicely and manages with fairness. Not many people (like maybe two) I talk to don't sing her praises. But that's not what she's after. It's the mission. I know in my life I haven't haven't been so aggressive until know. I, like my Army friend, am becoming more comfortable with who I am and that includes what I wear.

So I'm taking a lesson from life, my boss, and my friend...screw rejection! Get it done. I know I can write. I need to just focus on the mission. I need to be that person that I know I am.

...and a PhD means...that there's a purpose in my life that I have to better define, do my best, and don't sweat the small stuff...