I sit here staring at my paper...Chapter 2 of my dissertation. I feel like it's not quite there. All these thoughts are running through my head but I can't seems to write that fast. I've written an outline and literally revamped it 10-15 times yet I still can't seem to shake the feeling that it's not right. But I do know that it's close. Why can't it go from head to hand?
We are taught at an early age to improve our "hand-eye-coordination". We are told to "think". We are told to be observant. We are told to go for our dreams.
Where then, does the fear of failure come from? Why are we so afraid to go for it and so what if we fail?
I have been through so much in my life. I was told by counselors, therapists, etc., to journal. I've always been a writer. I've always loved to write. Sometimes cryptically. Sometimes straight forward (hence this blog, duh). But I love words. I do what is known as free-writing. Musicians do it. They just play music. Not a song that has a beginning and an end...just what comes out of them. I do that sometimes on my guitar or my drums. I don't play for people. I play for myself. I do write songs with lyrics. Not many people have heard them. I'm afraid they won't like them. I do the same with my writing. I do have a website that I put some on (which I shamelessly put here: http://leesongs.net)...just in case someone stumbles across it. Then anonymously if they like it, nice. If not, then I'm not hurt by rejection.
Oh...wait! There's that word!
But that's it!! "Rejection"! That's the fear's name!
WHY DO WE CARE what other people think? Why do we care if we wear the "right" clothes? Does it really matter? Who we are inside is all that matters. How we act - how we treat others is what's important. Do you really care what I wear as you read this? Do you really care how I treat others? You'd better! I've been rejected by worse. Yet I fall into that trap of worrying how people see me.
I have a friend that retired from the Army a couple of years ago. In the service he was a Chaplain's Assistant. He was good at his job. He is also gay. This was before the repeal of DADT (Don't Ask Don't Tell). After he retired he slowly became himself. He always dresses like a gentleman but he's relaxed and different somehow. And it's so great to see him BE himself. He doesn't care what others think and he still works with a lot of the same people that knew him when he was in uniform.
My boss is a woman. In her life, she's had to be aggressive to be able to be where she is today. She doesn't care if she's not liked. She treats people nicely and manages with fairness. Not many people (like maybe two) I talk to don't sing her praises. But that's not what she's after. It's the mission. I know in my life I haven't haven't been so aggressive until know. I, like my Army friend, am becoming more comfortable with who I am and that includes what I wear.
So I'm taking a lesson from life, my boss, and my friend...screw rejection! Get it done. I know I can write. I need to just focus on the mission. I need to be that person that I know I am.
...and a PhD means...that there's a purpose in my life that I have to better define, do my best, and don't sweat the small stuff...
