Everyone knows that a pessimist is so because if it turns out the way they think, they're not disappointed. Or if it turns out better than they think, then, YAY!, they are pleasantly surprised and delighted. I know a lot of people that way...and it bugs me. I want people to optimistic. Why not? It's good for you.
Me? I'm an optimist...for the most part. Really. I really always hope for the best. I know, I know...if it doesn't turn out right, then I'm disappointed. Maybe...maybe I really know what it's going to be but really hope it turns out better.
Now, I'm not an eternal optimist. Those people are crazy. They never think that anything will turn out bad...they just never foresee that. So, yes...they get disappointed...A LOT...just saying.
I don't know that I could ever do that continually get disappointed...oh, wait...that's life! Silly me. But I don't think I'm a pessimist...I'm just...becoming cynical. What? I can't be all three? Okay, let's look at another word for cynical: skeptical, doubtful, distrustful, suspicious, disbelieving, negative, world-weary, disillusioned, pessimistic (the thesaurus said so), disenchanted, jaundiced, sardonic...you pick. I could explain why I could be any one of these. But just for argument's sake, I will only use the four "dis"-functional words.
I'll start with "dis"trustful. I don't trust any more. I want to...and sometimes do...then get "dis"appointed...a-ga-in (sorry, I keep hearing Forest Gump saying that). Besides my family (which, by the way is my "dis"claimer for this post) and some very close friends, I don't trust what people say. I don't trust I know what is real.
Next we have "dis"believing. I am a Christian. I believe that God loves me. I have a hard time believing that there is real love (please remember the "dis"claimer) beyond that. I know that there are many people who have found their true love, soulmate, partner. I believe they have and I couldn't be happier. As time goes on, I just don't believe there is that one person for me.
This is a good segue to "dis"illusioned. It is "dis"believe's friend. I think the reason I "dis"trust and "dis"believe is because I am so "dis"illusioned in what it means to be loved. And "dis"illusioned's twin is "dis"enchanted. I am so "dis"enchanted with this "falling in love" and "love at first sight" thing. I wish I could believe in it. Maybe this is Cinderella in an alternate universe.
Why am I bringing this up? Well, because a friend of mine...same friend that wrote that email I mentioned in another post told me to stop settling. Okay...that's a great idea! Wait! How will I know when the right person appears and I won't go into a "dis"functional spin? Does my heart have it in itself to even test the waters? My heart will be safe if I don't break down these walls.
Come to think about it...these are the same emotions that one goes through while writing their "dis"sertation...will you look at that? Another "dis"functional word. Well, isn't that special? I guess I'm "dis"functional in two ways. So just like love, getting a PhD is a roller coaster ride. At least with the "dis"sertation, I will know when I get it right.
So I guess I'll keep on living, writing...and yes, even loving and trusting...and who knows...maybe there really is a Santa Claus who will gift-wrap the right person for me...it could happen!
...and a PhD means...I'm learning that though the "dis"functional words are "dis"criptive...they're not necessarily truth...
