Dad's Rules...learning when they apply...

Life would have turned out so very different had I not listened to Dad.  I wouldn't be where I am today.  I would be someone different.  I'm sure of it.

It's quite an interesting concept to contemplate.

I got out of college after two and a half years - or as my Dad calls it, 2 years and a practice semester.  Okay...my first semester was a 1.36 average.  Needless to say that I wasn't enthralled with school.

I was intending to enlist in the Army.  I didn't know what I wanted to do in life and it seemed the right thing to do and get focused.  Dad said it wasn't a bad idea but I should finish school first.  I had half a degree and that was like swimming half-way across the Missouri River, saying I couldn't make it and going back.  He suggested I finish school first and if I still wanted to enlist, well, he'll be there to swear me in.  BUT...if I was going to go in and I had a degree, go in as an officer.

So that's what I did.  I got my Bachelors of Science degree in Interdisciplinary Studies with a Focus of Biological Illustrating.  I know, I know, it sounds like a fake degree.  It's very real from a very real and accredited school.  AND...I was commissioned a Second Lieutenant (2LT) in the U.S. Army Reserves as an Air Defense Officer.  

Years later I get my Masters of Science degree in Organizational Leadership. At least this one sounds like a real degree.  Of course I told my Dad that I pursued it because the acronym was M-SOL...he wasn't amused.

And now I'm writing my dissertation for my PhD.

But what if...would I be a Sergeant Major?...would I have continued in the military for 20 years?  Would my Dad have told me his three rules?  Would my outlook on life be the same?

I do know that I may have even changed who I am physically.  Yes, I would have had to stay in shape.  But that's not quite what I meant. Maybe I wouldn't have stayed in the military and therefore allowed to be who I am, gay...and even perhaps be whom I always felt/thought I was supposed to be.

So what are those rules you ask?  You were asking, right?  Of course you were.

The three rules are:

1) They can bend your dogtags but they can't kill you.  They'll make life hard for you.  They did, but I'm still kicking.

2) Not everything is fun.  Find the silver lining and make it fun.  The hard things will so much more enjoyable.

3) There are opportunities out there but you won't know if they are yours unless you look at them.  You can always say no, but what if they were for you and you didn't look at them?  I know I let some slip away...but then...I don't know God's plan...so did I?

I have lived by those rules and the one I added, which is: you never know until/unless you ask.  However, it's Dad's third rule that has me pondering.  What about are my opportunities now?  I know there are a few.  I didn't want to miss the opportunity to propose to Mary Ann and lose the best gift of love I've ever been given.  She's allowed me to be me in ways that I'm surprised at, and that door is not locked.  So I proposed.

So how does this tie into my dissertation and becoming a PhD?  Well, it's all on the same road.  It's becoming whom I have seen myself for a long time, a professor.  I'm taking the opportunity to become something better.  Perhaps both opportunities will meet...just perhaps...

...and a PhD means...that you find the open doors...the opportunities that are yours...that you find the strength inside to finish the race triumphant...being true to yourself...oh, and perhaps listening to Dad wasn't so bad after all...

Saving for a rainy day and hoping it doesn't flood...

First I must admit that I had no idea what I was doing when I bought the "house".  We'll call it "Tea Table" - that was the road it was on.  It's amazing the things one learns when up against a wall (pun intended).  Buying and selling Tea Table has been not only confusing but frustrating.  My former partner and I had been looking for houses that would give us enough room for family visits and our stuff.

Stuff...you know, things...like my guitars and recording stuff, my pool table, her humongous 62" TV, and her weight machine (to which we added a spin bike, an elliptical, and a treadmill).

Of course we had to have at least one guest bedroom and an office.

So...you know...room.

I was a bit cautious...perhaps the better word is "trepidation"...I had a good amount of trepidation when buying this house.  First, I had only owned one house prior to this and that was with my ex-husband and that was...quite a few years ago.  (We'll just leave it at that.)  So I don't remember anything about that loan process.  But I don't remember every little detail about this loan process either.  The price of the house had me scared.  I was afraid that we were getting in over our heads.  We didn't but there were times I felt I was waste deep in a flooded river.  But it was selling Tea Table that will have scarred me forever.  Okay, not really but it was an emotional roller coaster.  It was quite overwhelming.

I learned to read e v e r y t h i n g on the contracts and ask questions, state the mistakes, etc. because if that contract is signed and you don't know what it is or says, then it's on you.  I also learned that housing market prices be damned.  If you want to get the price you want for the house, DON'T, DO NOT let your realtor sway you into putting it on at market value.  Also don't let your ex sway you out of a sale because she thinks we could get more - because that is not going to happen.  It didn't.  Hence the sentence prior.

It ended up costing not only emotions and time, but a lot of money.  I had to pull money out of my investments and my IRA.  You know the IRS loved that one.  But at least I had it.  I had to pull from my reserves that were there for a rainy day.  And as my Dad said, "This is your rainy day."

So just like all the relationships prior to the one that is the one that you know is right taught you the lessons to make this one work, very house bought and sold teaches you lessons to do things right with the next one.  It's the life lessons learned that help us along the way.

So it is with my dissertation.  I wrote a proposal that could not be defended because I found that in the group I was to interview, there was only one person available.  A dataset of one is not doable.  So after some tears and feeling sorry for myself, back to the drawing board.  Re-read all the articles to completely refocus the topic of the dissertation.  It took me a year to be back to having a proposal to hand in.

So now I have the feedback on what I thought would be the proposal to go forward.  But I missed the mark.  I have a substantial rewrite on Chapter 2, the literature review; which causes editing of Chapters 1 and 3.  Really?  Okay.  Darn.  I still have some drive left in the reserve tank.  They say the best dissertation is a done dissertation.  So let's get this thing done.  Third times a charm, right?  I think this is why school is so costly.

But learning from my first two attempts, I redid the outline to match the revised argument (thank you Dr Dixon for your help).  It will take effort but I know that I've learned about my topic because my Committee Chair summized my argument from what I wrote.  Now I just have to get better at writing it in a proposal.

...and a PhD means...that the PhD process...and life...can be overwhelming but it's not letting yourself get flooded out that  matters...rainy days don't last but the learning should...

When you know that you know...you'll know...

Will I know when it's right?  How will I know?

I can't count how many times I've asked these two questions and other variations of this.  I've gotten answers such as, "you'll know in your heart", or "it's a gut feeling", etc.  And though both have a modicum of truth, it's more than that.  It's just a k n o w i n g.

I can't tell you how many times I thought "this is right".  No, really...I can't.  I've said or thought it too many times.  Sometimes knowing it really may not be the right one or thing and sometimes thinking it...noooo...hoping it was right.

I met my current partner and future wife when I wasn't really looking.  I gave up on online dating.  For the most part, I gave up on dating.  I had dated and they weren't the "right one"; either for me or I for them.  And that's okay.  If you don't date or don't try, you won't know.

But when I met MAM (I'll use her initials only), it was easy...calm...fun....  I haven't stopped smiling.  We talk all the time.  Sometimes it's about the same thing we talked about last night, last week, last month...but reiterating it solidifies it.  So to reiterate...when I met MAM, it was right.

Now I can go into and compare and breakdown Donald Rumsfeld's "There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know."*

Aaaaanndd...yes...it does apply.  I'm not going to...this time.

However, it is the same with my dissertation.  Really?  I'm going to compare a relationship to writing a dissertation?  Yes.  Yes I am.

You see there's the online looking.  That's the looking for the main research question and gap in literature.  You read and read and you think you have it...then you find that the next thing you read totally answers the research question.  Then you find a gap.  And lo and behold!  It really is a gap.  And you ask yourself, "could this be the one?"

So you go out on a limb and start putting the  proposal together.  It's going good.  Maybe not great but you're ready to say yup.  This is it.  I'm ready to start the rest of my life.

But unfortunately, the answer can't be found because the method you thought was going to give you the answers was derailed by an evil witch.  No really!  Okay.  Not really.  But I wanted to see if you were still with me.  It really did get derailed.

In having to go back and re-look at the literature (the online dating...I mean looking), I found that gap.  I have to rewrite the whole proposal.  Yes, the literature review too.   But I know what I'm going for now.  I don't know if my hypothesis is right or wrong but I know that my research will let me know.

I know that I know.

I know that MAM is the right one for me.  Simply put - I finally belong.  I know that "gap" is the right one.  Simply put...let's just suffice it to say that I know...that I know.  Because, yes, there are known knowns and known unknowns.  And I know that I know that too.

...and a PhD means...when I really know that I know...I'll know...



* http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/donaldrums148142.html#ZDiXRK0a7U4GYJUi.99

All we have to fear is...who knows?

Have you ever been afraid?  Have you ever been afraid and you don't even no why?  Have you ever had a friend that was afraid and you didn't understand why?

Fear is an acronym:  False Evidence Appearing Real.  What's true fear for you is not true for someone else and it's hard to understand sometimes why some one's afraid of something when you're not.  Well, it's the same for others too.

I have a pathological fear of cockroaches.  To some, that's silly.  I don't have a fear of mice but since I have a fear, I understand that some people do and it's not silly to them.

I'm told we can get over our fears.  I don't think so.  I think we get through our fears until they no longer control us.  Working through fear is different than magically getting over it.  Cause there have been times I've done things I've been terrified of but did them knowing I had to.

There's another fear though.  A fear of the unknown.  This fear is usually associated with death...what happens to us after we die?  But there's a fear about unknown love.  I call it the "what if" fear:  "What if I walk away?" - "What if I fail?" - "What if I succeed?" - "What if...?".

These are all unknowns.  Unknowns that we battle in our heads and hearts trying to find the answers. I've come to realize we won't know the answers until we act.  Only then will the unknowns become knowns and we end up working through our fears.  Hey, but "what if" that which we act upon doesn't produce a fear?  Well, then do we start fretting about why that is and when that second shoe is about to drop?

So with so much else we have we have the opportunity to fret about why would we fear the one thing we want the most -- a relationship?  "Does she like me?"  "What if she doesn't like me?"  "What if she thinks I'm crazy?"  (Okay, that last one can be thrown out...everyone thinks I'm looney bins...)

Why is beginning a relationship so scary?  It shouldn't be.  It should be natural, easy, fun, exciting.  So...why does it feel like high school all over again?  Well, maybe that's where the fear comes from.  I don't want to go back to high school.  There were tests in high school.  I have test anxiety...okay, fine, a fear of taking tests...but I digress...

Fear about relationships seems silly but it's real.  If broken down, it's not really a fear of being IN the relationship as much as it is a fear of the potential failure of the relationship.  Those of us who have lived, loved, and survived to tell about it, are jaded.  It's an unfortunate position to be in because we should be using our experience for good not evil...well, you know what I mean...

The experience of years should allow us to be calm, cool, and collected.  We should wear the badges of knowledge with pride chanting, "Those that are interested in a mature, stable, and proven person, please apply."  I do have an application for "the right woman" to fill out...God has it...He's in charge of the first interview...I get to do the second interview.  My application is similar to George Strait's song, Check Yes or No.  I gave Him my list and He's checking it off...yes, Santa Claus does that too but that's a different story...

I'm close to getting done with my dissertation proposal which is scary and stressful as it is.  I don't want the stress of worrying about a relationship.  I want a relationship that takes the stress out of my life.  Hell, life can be scary but we should all have a friend, companion, significant other, spouse, etc. to be by our side to help us through the scary parts; not BE the scary part.

Okay, God...whose next on the list?

...and a PhD means...that by working through my dissertation, I work through fears...but not fear a relationship...

Patience is supposed to be a virtue...I'm still impatiently patiently waiting...

Why is it that something you want really badly doesn't seem to come along quickly?

Oh, if I had the answer to that, I'd be riiiich!!  Or at least waiting for my ship to come in to capitalize on it.  I have "in limbo" situations that I'm "patiently" waiting for, I'm not sure how to go about being patient.

The house has been on the market for three months.  The price has dropped twice.  A plethora of people have come to see it.  So why hasn't it sold?  Why?  I want it sold now!  Patience...

I've been editing my Chapter 2 for quite a bit of time.  Why hasn't it come together?  I want it done now!  Patience...

Someone in my life...patience...

Somethings may never come along at all.  There's no patience great enough for those things.  You just have to learn to put them aside.  I don't know really know how to do that.  Some say that one can never put away the love you feel or the hurt you've encountered.  You just learn to deal with it and use it to your advantage.

Maybe that's what I'm doing.  I'm learning to use these things in a positive way.  Maybe God is using these hurts and these lost loves to teach me patience.  I sure wish He'd hurry up though.

If the house would sell, I could settle down for the next three to four years so I can retire from government service.  If I could finish my Chapters 1 & 2, I could feel like I've done accomplished something with my dissertation.  They do say that Chapter 2 is the hardest.  I sure as hell hope so.  If I could find someone whom will allow me to focus the love I feel for someone I can't have to indulge it on them...

One of Zig Ziglar's best insights (and he had a lot of them) is, "The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want right now".

Okay...but how does one keep that "wanting" from creeping up?  I do know that surrounding yourself with those that can support you, encourage you, inspire you, laugh with you, cry with you, get mad with you, and get crazy with you is probably the best thing you can do.  I was told be a successful business person that "you become that whom you associate with".

I try to associate with those that have the patience and determination to be successful in what they're doing.  I know that by watching them, talking to them, learning from them, I will gain the patience and achievements I aim for.  Henry David Thoreau said, "What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals".

So if my goal is to sell the house, and I have to be patient, I become the calm person I want to be.  If I want to finish Chapters 1 & 2, and of course Chapters 3-5 later, I need that calm spirit to be able to critically think in the terms I need to become that researcher and Doctor of Philosophy.  In turn, that calm, that patience will allow me to wait for whomever God has for me.

I may want these things now, but delayed gratification, patience, and the willingness to "let go and let God" direct the path I need to be on, will gain me more happiness and the success that God wants all of us to achieve.  Okay...but can He give me a clue to when?  Just kidding...

...and a PhD means...patience plus determination equals success and happiness...

Life's questions on moving on and moving forward...

Sometimes it's hard to continue on with something that you thought was once worth it.  Then when you figure out that it's not longer working out the feeling of investment turns into a feeling of failure, grief, or resentment.  Yes, all the feelings of loss.

This doesn't just apply to relationships, it applies to anything one has invested time, money, effort, etc. into it.  Once the recognition or admittance that it no longer is right for you or that you are no longer right for it or just it is not a good fit, the only thing to do is to step away.  However, that's easier said than done.

A relationship is probably the hardest thing to step away from especially if there is ownership of something between you.  Stepping away or getting rid of that ownership, say a house, is emotionally hard.  Investing time into something like a dissertation under a Committee Chair is also hard to change emotionally.  If there is a difference of opinion in how to proceed, it is hard to find common ground afterwards.  However, continuing under a new Chair that is unfamiliar is scary too.  Will you both be able to see "eye-to-eye" or is it another failure?  Being told by your boss that you're off your game is also hard.  It's not a failure per se, but close.  However, combining with the other events it comes close to feeling like a failed venture.  The difference is that you can at least pick-up where you've left off and succeed.

Selling a house is exciting and scary at the same time.  Having to move your "clutter" to a storage area almost makes one realize whether you needed that "clutter" in the first place.  I've got a lot of interests and those interests build up "clutter".  At the same time, it's very exciting to look for a place all your own...then you realize that you're all alone...  Starting a new relationship is scary.  So many things to think about.  So many things to fret about: will you do something "wrong"; will she be different than what she seems to be; will your family like her; will she honor your priorities in life (e.g. dissertation)?

Finding a new place to live isn't unstressful...Should I rent or buy?...Should I buy because in three years I may want to move and maybe the market won't be good enough for selling?...What's too big?...What's too small?...What if I really like a place and can't get it - should I settle or rent?


Changing a committee chair is similar to moving.  The same questions can apply: will we see eye-to-eye; will s/he be like the first Chair; will she understand your job?  But at the same time, it will be nice to feel like you have a fresh start and freedom to continue to write your dissertation without the fear of failing every quarter.

Heck, writing a dissertation has it's own stresses and questions: Can I even do this? Why did I start this? Will it make sense - AM I making sense?

Life's questions don't have to be so philosophical and deep.  They just have to be asked and faced.  Once an answer or decision is made, one has to - in military terms - move out!  Go forward.  You can look back but don't long for what was...look back and see what it teaches you.  It's okay to grieve and cry and to wonder why...I know, I know, that rhymed.  But it was the only way to put it succinctly.

I am moving forward.  My (ok our) house is on the market.  I am looking for a place to live that will allow me to grow with my new relationship.  I just received a new Committee Chair.  And I'm getting back - as my boss states - on top of my game.  It's scary, exciting, fun, aggravating, and other words I'm not right now thinking of.  But I know that I have the right people in my life behind me that will help me make the right decision(s)...and I thank God for all that He's given me and guiding me.  So in the words of the song that the Rascal Flats sing, "...I'm moving on...."

...and a PhD means...that moving on and moving forward, combined with life's philosophical questions and answers, are the means to living and being happy...

The Beginning of a New Chapter and the Ending of Another

Each time in our life that we change what we've done or are doing is a big mark in our lives.  Sometimes the change is easy to make and sometimes it's not.

The end of 2012 was the beginning of a new chapter in my life.  I met a wonderful woman, Cindy, whom I believe is the answer to my prayers.  I also know that this is the start of my finishing my dissertation. 

The beginning of 2013, however, was the beginning of a realization - my sister, Lisa, really is gone.  I know I will see her again but it doesn't make the pain of missing her any better.

How did this realization come?  Sister Weekend.  My three (I so want to say four) and I met in New York City and "terrorized" the town with our humor and laughter.  We had such a great time.  We knew Lisa was there with us.  It's not that.  It's just that she wasn't "there" with us.  It just wasn't the same.  I know now, that she is really gone.  It's probably easier for my other sisters because they live up there and have gotten used to not seeing her.  I, on the other hand, live far enough away that it's an emotional thing every time I return.  Though this isn't really returning, it was in a way...we were going to be together to do something we did when Lisa was still living now without her physically with us.

Now this is how quick I am - it hits me two weeks later.  While I'm in Canyon Lake, Texas, working on my dissertation.  That actually makes sense if you knew what my dissertation is about...basically,  patient-physician communication but at a higher level and a bit broader on the accreditation of health literacy.  The point is, it is that because of Lisa.  Though the actual cause of death is not what lead me to this topic, it was at one time.

I'm at a turning point in my writing and I think it's the emotions of finally getting to that point that makes this a big deal.  What's interesting is that my Skype-mates, Joanne and Elyse, have been where I have been in the dissertation-writing process.  They have paved the way for me to understand what I'm doing and how to continue to where I'm going.  I know that anyone reading this is probably thinking..."whatever"...but obtaining a PhD is/can be an overwhelming venture.

This year is also the end of my Army Reserve tenure and the service to my country while in uniform.  This is bittersweet.  I will have served for 30 years both on active duty and in Reserve status.  That's a lot of time.  But I'm glad for it to be done.  I'm physically broken and it's time for the younger generation to stand up and serve.  I did more than I ever thought I was going to and I'm proud of how I served.  I did it with integrity and compassion.  I bequeath those two things to my peers and colleagues...and my nephew, Matt.  I hope they serve as honorably as I have...that's all I ask.

So I know four things:

1)  I met Cindy who is very much the epitome of the list of what I was asking for and gave to God.  This meant that I knew that my life has changed for the better.  No more searching - just an exciting adventure for the rest of my life.

2)  Lisa is with the Lord and will be with me in spirit and I can stop looking for her around every corner.  Instead, I'll look for her in my memories and other aspects of my life.  That's not saying it won't hurt or be emotional...just another step on the path of healing...and perhaps helping Cindy with the passing of her mother...or helping each other...I like that thought better.

3)  My dissertation is going to be all that I want it to be.  I have two of the best friends anyone can ever have helping me.  I know that each of us and our dissertations are bound for great things.  It too is an exciting adventure.

4)  That though my Army career has ended, it doesn't mean my service to my country has.  I know that I will be serving in different capacities: as a Government Service Civilian; on the Gold Star Mothers National Statue Committee; with the publishing of my dissertation...and who knows what else my life holds!

My dreams are starting to soar again.

2012 is done but not gone...2013 has just begun...

...and a PhD means...that the door to yet another new beginning is near and yet already here...