Will I know when it's right? How will I know?
I can't count how many times I've asked these two questions and other variations of this. I've gotten answers such as, "you'll know in your heart", or "it's a gut feeling", etc. And though both have a modicum of truth, it's more than that. It's just a k n o w i n g.
I can't tell you how many times I thought "this is right". No, really...I can't. I've said or thought it too many times. Sometimes knowing it really may not be the right one or thing and sometimes thinking it...noooo...hoping it was right.
I met my current partner and future wife when I wasn't really looking. I gave up on online dating. For the most part, I gave up on dating. I had dated and they weren't the "right one"; either for me or I for them. And that's okay. If you don't date or don't try, you won't know.
But when I met MAM (I'll use her initials only), it was easy...calm...fun.... I haven't stopped smiling. We talk all the time. Sometimes it's about the same thing we talked about last night, last week, last month...but reiterating it solidifies it. So to reiterate...when I met MAM, it was right.
Now I can go into and compare and breakdown Donald Rumsfeld's "There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know."*
Aaaaanndd...yes...it does apply. I'm not going to...this time.
However, it is the same with my dissertation. Really? I'm going to compare a relationship to writing a dissertation? Yes. Yes I am.
You see there's the online looking. That's the looking for the main research question and gap in literature. You read and read and you think you have it...then you find that the next thing you read totally answers the research question. Then you find a gap. And lo and behold! It really is a gap. And you ask yourself, "could this be the one?"
So you go out on a limb and start putting the proposal together. It's going good. Maybe not great but you're ready to say yup. This is it. I'm ready to start the rest of my life.
But unfortunately, the answer can't be found because the method you thought was going to give you the answers was derailed by an evil witch. No really! Okay. Not really. But I wanted to see if you were still with me. It really did get derailed.
In having to go back and re-look at the literature (the online dating...I mean looking), I found that gap. I have to rewrite the whole proposal. Yes, the literature review too. But I know what I'm going for now. I don't know if my hypothesis is right or wrong but I know that my research will let me know.
I know that I know.
I know that MAM is the right one for me. Simply put - I finally belong. I know that "gap" is the right one. Simply put...let's just suffice it to say that I know...that I know. Because, yes, there are known knowns and known unknowns. And I know that I know that too.
...and a PhD means...when I really know that I know...I'll know...
* http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/donaldrums148142.html#ZDiXRK0a7U4GYJUi.99
Monday, May 12, 2014
Sunday, November 3, 2013
All we have to fear is...who knows?
Have you ever been afraid? Have you ever been afraid and you don't even no why? Have you ever had a friend that was afraid and you didn't understand why?
Fear is an acronym: False Evidence Appearing Real. What's true fear for you is not true for someone else and it's hard to understand sometimes why some one's afraid of something when you're not. Well, it's the same for others too.
I have a pathological fear of cockroaches. To some, that's silly. I don't have a fear of mice but since I have a fear, I understand that some people do and it's not silly to them.
I'm told we can get over our fears. I don't think so. I think we get through our fears until they no longer control us. Working through fear is different than magically getting over it. Cause there have been times I've done things I've been terrified of but did them knowing I had to.
There's another fear though. A fear of the unknown. This fear is usually associated with death...what happens to us after we die? But there's a fear about unknown love. I call it the "what if" fear: "What if I walk away?" - "What if I fail?" - "What if I succeed?" - "What if...?".
These are all unknowns. Unknowns that we battle in our heads and hearts trying to find the answers. I've come to realize we won't know the answers until we act. Only then will the unknowns become knowns and we end up working through our fears. Hey, but "what if" that which we act upon doesn't produce a fear? Well, then do we start fretting about why that is and when that second shoe is about to drop?
So with so much else we have we have the opportunity to fret about why would we fear the one thing we want the most -- a relationship? "Does she like me?" "What if she doesn't like me?" "What if she thinks I'm crazy?" (Okay, that last one can be thrown out...everyone thinks I'm looney bins...)
Why is beginning a relationship so scary? It shouldn't be. It should be natural, easy, fun, exciting. So...why does it feel like high school all over again? Well, maybe that's where the fear comes from. I don't want to go back to high school. There were tests in high school. I have test anxiety...okay, fine, a fear of taking tests...but I digress...
Fear about relationships seems silly but it's real. If broken down, it's not really a fear of being IN the relationship as much as it is a fear of the potential failure of the relationship. Those of us who have lived, loved, and survived to tell about it, are jaded. It's an unfortunate position to be in because we should be using our experience for good not evil...well, you know what I mean...
The experience of years should allow us to be calm, cool, and collected. We should wear the badges of knowledge with pride chanting, "Those that are interested in a mature, stable, and proven person, please apply." I do have an application for "the right woman" to fill out...God has it...He's in charge of the first interview...I get to do the second interview. My application is similar to George Strait's song, Check Yes or No. I gave Him my list and He's checking it off...yes, Santa Claus does that too but that's a different story...
I'm close to getting done with my dissertation proposal which is scary and stressful as it is. I don't want the stress of worrying about a relationship. I want a relationship that takes the stress out of my life. Hell, life can be scary but we should all have a friend, companion, significant other, spouse, etc. to be by our side to help us through the scary parts; not BE the scary part.
Okay, God...whose next on the list?
...and a PhD means...that by working through my dissertation, I work through fears...but not fear a relationship...
Fear is an acronym: False Evidence Appearing Real. What's true fear for you is not true for someone else and it's hard to understand sometimes why some one's afraid of something when you're not. Well, it's the same for others too.
I have a pathological fear of cockroaches. To some, that's silly. I don't have a fear of mice but since I have a fear, I understand that some people do and it's not silly to them.
I'm told we can get over our fears. I don't think so. I think we get through our fears until they no longer control us. Working through fear is different than magically getting over it. Cause there have been times I've done things I've been terrified of but did them knowing I had to.
There's another fear though. A fear of the unknown. This fear is usually associated with death...what happens to us after we die? But there's a fear about unknown love. I call it the "what if" fear: "What if I walk away?" - "What if I fail?" - "What if I succeed?" - "What if...?".
These are all unknowns. Unknowns that we battle in our heads and hearts trying to find the answers. I've come to realize we won't know the answers until we act. Only then will the unknowns become knowns and we end up working through our fears. Hey, but "what if" that which we act upon doesn't produce a fear? Well, then do we start fretting about why that is and when that second shoe is about to drop?
So with so much else we have we have the opportunity to fret about why would we fear the one thing we want the most -- a relationship? "Does she like me?" "What if she doesn't like me?" "What if she thinks I'm crazy?" (Okay, that last one can be thrown out...everyone thinks I'm looney bins...)
Why is beginning a relationship so scary? It shouldn't be. It should be natural, easy, fun, exciting. So...why does it feel like high school all over again? Well, maybe that's where the fear comes from. I don't want to go back to high school. There were tests in high school. I have test anxiety...okay, fine, a fear of taking tests...but I digress...
Fear about relationships seems silly but it's real. If broken down, it's not really a fear of being IN the relationship as much as it is a fear of the potential failure of the relationship. Those of us who have lived, loved, and survived to tell about it, are jaded. It's an unfortunate position to be in because we should be using our experience for good not evil...well, you know what I mean...
The experience of years should allow us to be calm, cool, and collected. We should wear the badges of knowledge with pride chanting, "Those that are interested in a mature, stable, and proven person, please apply." I do have an application for "the right woman" to fill out...God has it...He's in charge of the first interview...I get to do the second interview. My application is similar to George Strait's song, Check Yes or No. I gave Him my list and He's checking it off...yes, Santa Claus does that too but that's a different story...
I'm close to getting done with my dissertation proposal which is scary and stressful as it is. I don't want the stress of worrying about a relationship. I want a relationship that takes the stress out of my life. Hell, life can be scary but we should all have a friend, companion, significant other, spouse, etc. to be by our side to help us through the scary parts; not BE the scary part.
Okay, God...whose next on the list?
...and a PhD means...that by working through my dissertation, I work through fears...but not fear a relationship...
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Patience is supposed to be a virtue...I'm still impatiently patiently waiting...
Why is it that something you want really badly doesn't seem to come along quickly?
Oh, if I had the answer to that, I'd be riiiich!! Or at least waiting for my ship to come in to capitalize on it. I have "in limbo" situations that I'm "patiently" waiting for, I'm not sure how to go about being patient.
The house has been on the market for three months. The price has dropped twice. A plethora of people have come to see it. So why hasn't it sold? Why? I want it sold now! Patience...
I've been editing my Chapter 2 for quite a bit of time. Why hasn't it come together? I want it done now! Patience...
Someone in my life...patience...
Somethings may never come along at all. There's no patience great enough for those things. You just have to learn to put them aside. I don't know really know how to do that. Some say that one can never put away the love you feel or the hurt you've encountered. You just learn to deal with it and use it to your advantage.
Maybe that's what I'm doing. I'm learning to use these things in a positive way. Maybe God is using these hurts and these lost loves to teach me patience. I sure wish He'd hurry up though.
If the house would sell, I could settle down for the next three to four years so I can retire from government service. If I could finish my Chapters 1 & 2, I could feel like I've done accomplished something with my dissertation. They do say that Chapter 2 is the hardest. I sure as hell hope so. If I could find someone whom will allow me to focus the love I feel for someone I can't have to indulge it on them...
One of Zig Ziglar's best insights (and he had a lot of them) is, "The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want right now".
Okay...but how does one keep that "wanting" from creeping up? I do know that surrounding yourself with those that can support you, encourage you, inspire you, laugh with you, cry with you, get mad with you, and get crazy with you is probably the best thing you can do. I was told be a successful business person that "you become that whom you associate with".
I try to associate with those that have the patience and determination to be successful in what they're doing. I know that by watching them, talking to them, learning from them, I will gain the patience and achievements I aim for. Henry David Thoreau said, "What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals".
So if my goal is to sell the house, and I have to be patient, I become the calm person I want to be. If I want to finish Chapters 1 & 2, and of course Chapters 3-5 later, I need that calm spirit to be able to critically think in the terms I need to become that researcher and Doctor of Philosophy. In turn, that calm, that patience will allow me to wait for whomever God has for me.
I may want these things now, but delayed gratification, patience, and the willingness to "let go and let God" direct the path I need to be on, will gain me more happiness and the success that God wants all of us to achieve. Okay...but can He give me a clue to when? Just kidding...
...and a PhD means...patience plus determination equals success and happiness...
Oh, if I had the answer to that, I'd be riiiich!! Or at least waiting for my ship to come in to capitalize on it. I have "in limbo" situations that I'm "patiently" waiting for, I'm not sure how to go about being patient.
The house has been on the market for three months. The price has dropped twice. A plethora of people have come to see it. So why hasn't it sold? Why? I want it sold now! Patience...
I've been editing my Chapter 2 for quite a bit of time. Why hasn't it come together? I want it done now! Patience...
Someone in my life...patience...
Somethings may never come along at all. There's no patience great enough for those things. You just have to learn to put them aside. I don't know really know how to do that. Some say that one can never put away the love you feel or the hurt you've encountered. You just learn to deal with it and use it to your advantage.
Maybe that's what I'm doing. I'm learning to use these things in a positive way. Maybe God is using these hurts and these lost loves to teach me patience. I sure wish He'd hurry up though.
If the house would sell, I could settle down for the next three to four years so I can retire from government service. If I could finish my Chapters 1 & 2, I could feel like I've done accomplished something with my dissertation. They do say that Chapter 2 is the hardest. I sure as hell hope so. If I could find someone whom will allow me to focus the love I feel for someone I can't have to indulge it on them...
One of Zig Ziglar's best insights (and he had a lot of them) is, "The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want right now".
Okay...but how does one keep that "wanting" from creeping up? I do know that surrounding yourself with those that can support you, encourage you, inspire you, laugh with you, cry with you, get mad with you, and get crazy with you is probably the best thing you can do. I was told be a successful business person that "you become that whom you associate with".
I try to associate with those that have the patience and determination to be successful in what they're doing. I know that by watching them, talking to them, learning from them, I will gain the patience and achievements I aim for. Henry David Thoreau said, "What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals".
So if my goal is to sell the house, and I have to be patient, I become the calm person I want to be. If I want to finish Chapters 1 & 2, and of course Chapters 3-5 later, I need that calm spirit to be able to critically think in the terms I need to become that researcher and Doctor of Philosophy. In turn, that calm, that patience will allow me to wait for whomever God has for me.
I may want these things now, but delayed gratification, patience, and the willingness to "let go and let God" direct the path I need to be on, will gain me more happiness and the success that God wants all of us to achieve. Okay...but can He give me a clue to when? Just kidding...
...and a PhD means...patience plus determination equals success and happiness...
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Life's questions on moving on and moving forward...
Sometimes it's hard to continue on with something that you thought was once worth it. Then when you figure out that it's not longer working out the feeling of investment turns into a feeling of failure, grief, or resentment. Yes, all the feelings of loss.
This doesn't just apply to relationships, it applies to anything one has invested time, money, effort, etc. into it. Once the recognition or admittance that it no longer is right for you or that you are no longer right for it or just it is not a good fit, the only thing to do is to step away. However, that's easier said than done.
A relationship is probably the hardest thing to step away from especially if there is ownership of something between you. Stepping away or getting rid of that ownership, say a house, is emotionally hard. Investing time into something like a dissertation under a Committee Chair is also hard to change emotionally. If there is a difference of opinion in how to proceed, it is hard to find common ground afterwards. However, continuing under a new Chair that is unfamiliar is scary too. Will you both be able to see "eye-to-eye" or is it another failure? Being told by your boss that you're off your game is also hard. It's not a failure per se, but close. However, combining with the other events it comes close to feeling like a failed venture. The difference is that you can at least pick-up where you've left off and succeed.
Selling a house is exciting and scary at the same time. Having to move your "clutter" to a storage area almost makes one realize whether you needed that "clutter" in the first place. I've got a lot of interests and those interests build up "clutter". At the same time, it's very exciting to look for a place all your own...then you realize that you're all alone... Starting a new relationship is scary. So many things to think about. So many things to fret about: will you do something "wrong"; will she be different than what she seems to be; will your family like her; will she honor your priorities in life (e.g. dissertation)?
Finding a new place to live isn't unstressful...Should I rent or buy?...Should I buy because in three years I may want to move and maybe the market won't be good enough for selling?...What's too big?...What's too small?...What if I really like a place and can't get it - should I settle or rent?
Changing a committee chair is similar to moving. The same questions can apply: will we see eye-to-eye; will s/he be like the first Chair; will she understand your job? But at the same time, it will be nice to feel like you have a fresh start and freedom to continue to write your dissertation without the fear of failing every quarter.
Heck, writing a dissertation has it's own stresses and questions: Can I even do this? Why did I start this? Will it make sense - AM I making sense?
Life's questions don't have to be so philosophical and deep. They just have to be asked and faced. Once an answer or decision is made, one has to - in military terms - move out! Go forward. You can look back but don't long for what was...look back and see what it teaches you. It's okay to grieve and cry and to wonder why...I know, I know, that rhymed. But it was the only way to put it succinctly.
I am moving forward. My (ok our) house is on the market. I am looking for a place to live that will allow me to grow with my new relationship. I just received a new Committee Chair. And I'm getting back - as my boss states - on top of my game. It's scary, exciting, fun, aggravating, and other words I'm not right now thinking of. But I know that I have the right people in my life behind me that will help me make the right decision(s)...and I thank God for all that He's given me and guiding me. So in the words of the song that the Rascal Flats sing, "...I'm moving on...."
...and a PhD means...that moving on and moving forward, combined with life's philosophical questions and answers, are the means to living and being happy...
This doesn't just apply to relationships, it applies to anything one has invested time, money, effort, etc. into it. Once the recognition or admittance that it no longer is right for you or that you are no longer right for it or just it is not a good fit, the only thing to do is to step away. However, that's easier said than done.
A relationship is probably the hardest thing to step away from especially if there is ownership of something between you. Stepping away or getting rid of that ownership, say a house, is emotionally hard. Investing time into something like a dissertation under a Committee Chair is also hard to change emotionally. If there is a difference of opinion in how to proceed, it is hard to find common ground afterwards. However, continuing under a new Chair that is unfamiliar is scary too. Will you both be able to see "eye-to-eye" or is it another failure? Being told by your boss that you're off your game is also hard. It's not a failure per se, but close. However, combining with the other events it comes close to feeling like a failed venture. The difference is that you can at least pick-up where you've left off and succeed.
Selling a house is exciting and scary at the same time. Having to move your "clutter" to a storage area almost makes one realize whether you needed that "clutter" in the first place. I've got a lot of interests and those interests build up "clutter". At the same time, it's very exciting to look for a place all your own...then you realize that you're all alone... Starting a new relationship is scary. So many things to think about. So many things to fret about: will you do something "wrong"; will she be different than what she seems to be; will your family like her; will she honor your priorities in life (e.g. dissertation)?
Finding a new place to live isn't unstressful...Should I rent or buy?...Should I buy because in three years I may want to move and maybe the market won't be good enough for selling?...What's too big?...What's too small?...What if I really like a place and can't get it - should I settle or rent?
Changing a committee chair is similar to moving. The same questions can apply: will we see eye-to-eye; will s/he be like the first Chair; will she understand your job? But at the same time, it will be nice to feel like you have a fresh start and freedom to continue to write your dissertation without the fear of failing every quarter.
Heck, writing a dissertation has it's own stresses and questions: Can I even do this? Why did I start this? Will it make sense - AM I making sense?
Life's questions don't have to be so philosophical and deep. They just have to be asked and faced. Once an answer or decision is made, one has to - in military terms - move out! Go forward. You can look back but don't long for what was...look back and see what it teaches you. It's okay to grieve and cry and to wonder why...I know, I know, that rhymed. But it was the only way to put it succinctly.
I am moving forward. My (ok our) house is on the market. I am looking for a place to live that will allow me to grow with my new relationship. I just received a new Committee Chair. And I'm getting back - as my boss states - on top of my game. It's scary, exciting, fun, aggravating, and other words I'm not right now thinking of. But I know that I have the right people in my life behind me that will help me make the right decision(s)...and I thank God for all that He's given me and guiding me. So in the words of the song that the Rascal Flats sing, "...I'm moving on...."
...and a PhD means...that moving on and moving forward, combined with life's philosophical questions and answers, are the means to living and being happy...
Monday, January 21, 2013
The Beginning of a New Chapter and the Ending of Another
Each time in our life that we change what we've done or are doing is a big mark in our lives. Sometimes the change is easy to make and sometimes it's not.
The end of 2012 was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I met a wonderful woman, Cindy, whom I believe is the answer to my prayers. I also know that this is the start of my finishing my dissertation.
The beginning of 2013, however, was the beginning of a realization - my sister, Lisa, really is gone. I know I will see her again but it doesn't make the pain of missing her any better.
How did this realization come? Sister Weekend. My three (I so want to say four) and I met in New York City and "terrorized" the town with our humor and laughter. We had such a great time. We knew Lisa was there with us. It's not that. It's just that she wasn't "there" with us. It just wasn't the same. I know now, that she is really gone. It's probably easier for my other sisters because they live up there and have gotten used to not seeing her. I, on the other hand, live far enough away that it's an emotional thing every time I return. Though this isn't really returning, it was in a way...we were going to be together to do something we did when Lisa was still living now without her physically with us.
Now this is how quick I am - it hits me two weeks later. While I'm in Canyon Lake, Texas, working on my dissertation. That actually makes sense if you knew what my dissertation is about...basically, patient-physician communication but at a higher level and a bit broader on the accreditation of health literacy. The point is, it is that because of Lisa. Though the actual cause of death is not what lead me to this topic, it was at one time.
I'm at a turning point in my writing and I think it's the emotions of finally getting to that point that makes this a big deal. What's interesting is that my Skype-mates, Joanne and Elyse, have been where I have been in the dissertation-writing process. They have paved the way for me to understand what I'm doing and how to continue to where I'm going. I know that anyone reading this is probably thinking..."whatever"...but obtaining a PhD is/can be an overwhelming venture.
This year is also the end of my Army Reserve tenure and the service to my country while in uniform. This is bittersweet. I will have served for 30 years both on active duty and in Reserve status. That's a lot of time. But I'm glad for it to be done. I'm physically broken and it's time for the younger generation to stand up and serve. I did more than I ever thought I was going to and I'm proud of how I served. I did it with integrity and compassion. I bequeath those two things to my peers and colleagues...and my nephew, Matt. I hope they serve as honorably as I have...that's all I ask.
So I know four things:
1) I met Cindy who is very much the epitome of the list of what I was asking for and gave to God. This meant that I knew that my life has changed for the better. No more searching - just an exciting adventure for the rest of my life.
2) Lisa is with the Lord and will be with me in spirit and I can stop looking for her around every corner. Instead, I'll look for her in my memories and other aspects of my life. That's not saying it won't hurt or be emotional...just another step on the path of healing...and perhaps helping Cindy with the passing of her mother...or helping each other...I like that thought better.
3) My dissertation is going to be all that I want it to be. I have two of the best friends anyone can ever have helping me. I know that each of us and our dissertations are bound for great things. It too is an exciting adventure.
4) That though my Army career has ended, it doesn't mean my service to my country has. I know that I will be serving in different capacities: as a Government Service Civilian; on the Gold Star Mothers National Statue Committee; with the publishing of my dissertation...and who knows what else my life holds!
My dreams are starting to soar again.
2012 is done but not gone...2013 has just begun...
...and a PhD means...that the door to yet another new beginning is near and yet already here...
The end of 2012 was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I met a wonderful woman, Cindy, whom I believe is the answer to my prayers. I also know that this is the start of my finishing my dissertation.
The beginning of 2013, however, was the beginning of a realization - my sister, Lisa, really is gone. I know I will see her again but it doesn't make the pain of missing her any better.
How did this realization come? Sister Weekend. My three (I so want to say four) and I met in New York City and "terrorized" the town with our humor and laughter. We had such a great time. We knew Lisa was there with us. It's not that. It's just that she wasn't "there" with us. It just wasn't the same. I know now, that she is really gone. It's probably easier for my other sisters because they live up there and have gotten used to not seeing her. I, on the other hand, live far enough away that it's an emotional thing every time I return. Though this isn't really returning, it was in a way...we were going to be together to do something we did when Lisa was still living now without her physically with us.
Now this is how quick I am - it hits me two weeks later. While I'm in Canyon Lake, Texas, working on my dissertation. That actually makes sense if you knew what my dissertation is about...basically, patient-physician communication but at a higher level and a bit broader on the accreditation of health literacy. The point is, it is that because of Lisa. Though the actual cause of death is not what lead me to this topic, it was at one time.
I'm at a turning point in my writing and I think it's the emotions of finally getting to that point that makes this a big deal. What's interesting is that my Skype-mates, Joanne and Elyse, have been where I have been in the dissertation-writing process. They have paved the way for me to understand what I'm doing and how to continue to where I'm going. I know that anyone reading this is probably thinking..."whatever"...but obtaining a PhD is/can be an overwhelming venture.
This year is also the end of my Army Reserve tenure and the service to my country while in uniform. This is bittersweet. I will have served for 30 years both on active duty and in Reserve status. That's a lot of time. But I'm glad for it to be done. I'm physically broken and it's time for the younger generation to stand up and serve. I did more than I ever thought I was going to and I'm proud of how I served. I did it with integrity and compassion. I bequeath those two things to my peers and colleagues...and my nephew, Matt. I hope they serve as honorably as I have...that's all I ask.
So I know four things:
1) I met Cindy who is very much the epitome of the list of what I was asking for and gave to God. This meant that I knew that my life has changed for the better. No more searching - just an exciting adventure for the rest of my life.
2) Lisa is with the Lord and will be with me in spirit and I can stop looking for her around every corner. Instead, I'll look for her in my memories and other aspects of my life. That's not saying it won't hurt or be emotional...just another step on the path of healing...and perhaps helping Cindy with the passing of her mother...or helping each other...I like that thought better.
3) My dissertation is going to be all that I want it to be. I have two of the best friends anyone can ever have helping me. I know that each of us and our dissertations are bound for great things. It too is an exciting adventure.
4) That though my Army career has ended, it doesn't mean my service to my country has. I know that I will be serving in different capacities: as a Government Service Civilian; on the Gold Star Mothers National Statue Committee; with the publishing of my dissertation...and who knows what else my life holds!
My dreams are starting to soar again.
2012 is done but not gone...2013 has just begun...
...and a PhD means...that the door to yet another new beginning is near and yet already here...
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
The fear of failure vs the fear of success...which one do I have?
Have you ever thought about fear? The dictionary defines it as, "a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined." I like the "imagined" part. I've heard fear being described as an acronym: False Evidence Appearing Real.
So how does this emotion equate to success or failure? I can understand the fear of failure. No one really wants to fail. But failure itself can be a very positive thing. If you don't know what doesn't work, how will you know if something improves? No one person will ever be successful all the time. Failure is inevitable.
The fear of failure can be a positive thing as well. If you know that your failure will lead to someone's death or injury, you will more likely be very careful and do everything in your power to not fail. You become more detailed-oriented and your mindset will become what Gene Kranz stated, "Failure is not an option."
But learning to deal with failure takes time and learning not to fail takes practice and patience.
What about the fear of success? Now this one has me stymied. I'm not sure I understand why one would be afraid to succeed. So I looked it up. Russell Friedman states that we are familiar with failure and "The real issue is fear of success, and since we are not familiar with it, we are drawn away from it and back to what we know best, failure. It may seem odd since we covet success so much that we would veer from it just when it’s within our grasp."
Okay. That actually makes sense. Here's more of what he says, "The issue of failure and success correlates to grief and loss in an interesting way, again by using the phrase, “In a crisis we go back to old beliefs and old behaviors.” When we experience a major loss—death,divorce, health, career—we automatically summon whatever information we have stored in our minds on how to deal with the feelings that loss provokes. The stored information we have will either be helpful or not helpful, and as such, will either lead to success or failure in how well we adapt to the loss and whether or not we know what to do to be able to complete what the loss left emotionally incomplete for us. Success in recovering from grief is the result of small and correct action choices. But you must learn the correct choices and take them or you'll be like a hamster on a wheel going round in circles."
So what does this have to do with being a PhD? Well...a lot, actually.
When I started my PhD program, I was riding on a high of graduating with my Masters with a really high GPA. I was actually invited to be part of a honor society. I had never had that before. My sister, Lisa, was always in the honor society in high school and on Deans' lists in her undergraduate. We graduated with our Masters together and this time, I was the one who received the honor society accolades. I would have loved to have been in it with her, but she missed it by 0.02 grade points.
So I started my courses for my PhD but a year later, Lisa died. I had trouble focusing and following through with class assignments. I sought help with a grief counselor and made improvements and finished the coursework. So what's taking me so long now?
Here's where Mr Friedman makes some sense. Lisa finished her Masters and a year later passed away. What happens if I finish my PhD? No, the fear isn't real. It's imagined. I finished my Masters at the same time and I'm still here. My fear of success comes from missing her in my life. I wanted to her at my hooding. Oh, I know she'll "be there"; but it won't be the same.
I'm not saying that there is only fear of success and not a fear of failure in there. Cause I really don't like to fail or lose. In fact, I'm pretty much a perfectionist when it comes to writing. I don't want to hand anything in to my Chair that won't be accepted.
I don't think that's a fear of either success or failure...it's a fear of looking or sounding stupid...but I digress...
Understanding both fears - no matter whether one is really the other - helps me to do the small "correct action choices" that will get me past the fear. Perhaps it is with this struggle that I will have the humility to be successful and help others be successful to.
...and a PhD means...or will mean...that I've succeeded in overcoming my fears...or at least I've had success in dealing with them...
(Fear of Failure or Fear of Success—a World of Difference
In a crisis we go back to old beliefs and old behaviors.
Published on June 21, 2012 by Russell Friedman in Broken Hearts. Retrieved from, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/broken-hearts/201206/fear-failure-or-fear-success-world-difference)
(Fear of Failure or Fear of Success—a World of Difference
In a crisis we go back to old beliefs and old behaviors.
Published on June 21, 2012 by Russell Friedman in Broken Hearts. Retrieved from, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/broken-hearts/201206/fear-failure-or-fear-success-world-difference)
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Changing of the Guard and Commander-in-Chief: Agreeing to Disagree
First - a bit of history and knowledge:
The Old Guard
The Old Guard
It is considered one of the highest honors to serve as a Sentinel at the Tomb of the Unknowns. Fewer than 20 percent of all volunteers are accepted for training and of those only a fraction pass training to become full-fledged Tomb Guards. This attrition rate has made the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier Identification Badge the second least-awarded decoration of the United States Military (the first being the Army Astronaut Badge).[19]
The soldier "walking the mat" does not wear rank insignia on his or her uniform so that they do not outrank the Unknowns, whatever their rank may have been. Non-commissioned officers (usually the Relief Commander and Assistant Relief Commanders), do wear insignia of their rank when changing the guard only. They have a separate uniform (without rank) that is worn when they actually guard the Unknowns or are "Posted".
The duties of the sentinels are not purely ceremonial. The sentinels will confront people who cross the barriers at the tomb, or are disrespectful or loud.
Now my thoughts...
I have six months left until what they call my "mandatory retirement date". It is amazing to me that I have survived thirty years serving my country. I have served under five presidents...each one, my Commander-in-Chief. I have not always agreed with what they have done or commanded the military to do, but I love my country more than I disagree with them and will die for the right of "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" as well as the right to free speech and religion.
How many times have I heard someone say something that made my blood boil, I cannot count. I never started counting. It didn't matter because sometimes those people were my Commander-in-Chiefs, my superiors, my peers, my subordinates, even my family members. It is not important that I agree with everyone. We have the RIGHT to disagree. Not everyone can like each other. Not every one is always going to get along even if they DO like each other.
Oh, don't get me wrong. I am in no way advocating violence or hatred. On the contrary...I'm advocating peaceful change. But though I may not like what is said, I will fight to the death for the right for that person to say it. Isn't that one of the most amazing things - our first amendment right? Don't you wish other countries had it?
Just how did the United States get to be the police and clean-up crew of the world? Who knows? Perhaps it's when we had a chance to stand for something back in the 18th Century fighting for our right to be treated as people and not acquisitions of another country. Perhaps it's when we finally realized that we all bleed red blood and die no matter what the color of our skin. Maybe even perhaps it's when we saw the unjust treatment of others by people of their own country or not their own country that bullying isn't the answer. Whatever the reason, we were elected, chosen, destined to help.
I sure hope that the civil war the United States had in the 19th Century was the last one that will divide us with violence.
We have the right as citizens to choose whom we want to be our president. In four years two new people (maybe even three or four) will vie for our votes. We can fight with words...they say that the tongue is sharper than the knife and the pen is mightier than the sword. In over 200 years of our country's history, only 44 men have led; good and bad. Some longer than others. We can only hope that the person who we elect will have the dedication and tenacity to stand guard and be ready for whatever this country comes up against.
The reverence that the Old Guard has to those that fought and died for the rights and freedoms that we have today may be purely symbolic but it has some correlations to our country's presidency:
1) The guards don't wear rank so that they don't out-rank those they don't know that died for them - the president does NOT outrank the citizens of the United States.
2) They confront those who cross the barriers or are disrespectful or loud - the president should confront those countries that cross the boundaries of humanity and are disrespectful to mankind.
3) Though the guards are ceremonial, they don't stand of ceremony when they have to confront people - the president should not just be a figurehead or be politically-correct all the time and step off the pedestal when the time comes.
It does not matter whom I voted for or what policies I agree or disagree with. It only matters that I have the right and freedom to do so. I would rather you come at me with logic and facts to give an alternate way of thinking and allow me to process that and agree or disagree. BUT...I also ask that you allow me to do the same.
I love my country and I really hope that those of other nations really love their country and want to make it better and safer for their citizens as much as I do mine. I hope that you, as a citizen (if applicable) love this country as much as I do.
The guards will change to continue their watch. The presidency will change to continue to make this country the best. We will never agree on who it will be or who was the best or whether that policy was good or bad. As long as we can agree to disagree we'll be okay...cause that's life get over it!
...and a PhD means...that I learn more patience and tolerance for others...and myself...
Now my thoughts...
I have six months left until what they call my "mandatory retirement date". It is amazing to me that I have survived thirty years serving my country. I have served under five presidents...each one, my Commander-in-Chief. I have not always agreed with what they have done or commanded the military to do, but I love my country more than I disagree with them and will die for the right of "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" as well as the right to free speech and religion.
How many times have I heard someone say something that made my blood boil, I cannot count. I never started counting. It didn't matter because sometimes those people were my Commander-in-Chiefs, my superiors, my peers, my subordinates, even my family members. It is not important that I agree with everyone. We have the RIGHT to disagree. Not everyone can like each other. Not every one is always going to get along even if they DO like each other.
Oh, don't get me wrong. I am in no way advocating violence or hatred. On the contrary...I'm advocating peaceful change. But though I may not like what is said, I will fight to the death for the right for that person to say it. Isn't that one of the most amazing things - our first amendment right? Don't you wish other countries had it?
Just how did the United States get to be the police and clean-up crew of the world? Who knows? Perhaps it's when we had a chance to stand for something back in the 18th Century fighting for our right to be treated as people and not acquisitions of another country. Perhaps it's when we finally realized that we all bleed red blood and die no matter what the color of our skin. Maybe even perhaps it's when we saw the unjust treatment of others by people of their own country or not their own country that bullying isn't the answer. Whatever the reason, we were elected, chosen, destined to help.
I sure hope that the civil war the United States had in the 19th Century was the last one that will divide us with violence.
We have the right as citizens to choose whom we want to be our president. In four years two new people (maybe even three or four) will vie for our votes. We can fight with words...they say that the tongue is sharper than the knife and the pen is mightier than the sword. In over 200 years of our country's history, only 44 men have led; good and bad. Some longer than others. We can only hope that the person who we elect will have the dedication and tenacity to stand guard and be ready for whatever this country comes up against.
The reverence that the Old Guard has to those that fought and died for the rights and freedoms that we have today may be purely symbolic but it has some correlations to our country's presidency:
1) The guards don't wear rank so that they don't out-rank those they don't know that died for them - the president does NOT outrank the citizens of the United States.
2) They confront those who cross the barriers or are disrespectful or loud - the president should confront those countries that cross the boundaries of humanity and are disrespectful to mankind.
3) Though the guards are ceremonial, they don't stand of ceremony when they have to confront people - the president should not just be a figurehead or be politically-correct all the time and step off the pedestal when the time comes.
It does not matter whom I voted for or what policies I agree or disagree with. It only matters that I have the right and freedom to do so. I would rather you come at me with logic and facts to give an alternate way of thinking and allow me to process that and agree or disagree. BUT...I also ask that you allow me to do the same.
I love my country and I really hope that those of other nations really love their country and want to make it better and safer for their citizens as much as I do mine. I hope that you, as a citizen (if applicable) love this country as much as I do.
The guards will change to continue their watch. The presidency will change to continue to make this country the best. We will never agree on who it will be or who was the best or whether that policy was good or bad. As long as we can agree to disagree we'll be okay...cause that's life get over it!
...and a PhD means...that I learn more patience and tolerance for others...and myself...
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