"Life is full of risks, that is why they make band aides - without skinned knees we would never have learned to run, or ride a bike. But we did, and we have scars to prove it but we did it.....same with our hearts. Scars just prove that we know how to love and we know how to heal and get ready for the next one."
A friend of mine told me that the other day in an email. He's a sweet guy. But as much sense that it makes, I ask you - why would someone intentionally put themselves out there to get hurt? I mean...hurting sucks! Then it scabs up and you pick it off...oh, come on...I know you've done that. But seriously, whether it's a physical injury, mental injury, or emotional injury hurting is not a pleasant feeling.
Do you even remember the scrapes and scraps you got into as a kid? I don't. I know got them...but the pain subsides. It isn't until we get older, it seems, that we can't dispell the memory of pain. It could be the intensity of the pain that makes us remember. I had so many bumps, bruises, scrapes, and scratches as a kid that I can't really remember all of them...but I remember the doozies! Grant it, some of them I remember with better clarity than others. Like when I fell and cut the gum above my front tooth. I wore my cowboy boots even though Mom told me not to. I did have fun grossing out the boys. Man they were wimps in the fifth grade! And of course I remember the pain when I broke my femur in the car accident in Italy. Funny...I grossed out the guys in my unit when I showed them the "K-Nail" that they had put in my leg...of course it was after the doctors removed it a year later. Seems guys aren't always as tough as they make themselves out to be. But are any of us?
I think as I grow older and know that things aren't what I want it to be, I become less able - or maybe it's willing - to take the bumps and bruises of life. I already have a bunch of bandaids on my heart. I really don't want any more. Is it really too much to ask to have someone: want to stand by me; stand up for me; fight for me; not yell at me; ask me if I'm ok if I fall/trip/stumble instead of giving me a disgusted look? Is this really too much to ask?
I've put a bandaid on my heart with duct tape. You know - that 100-mile-an-hour stuff. I don't want to pull it off until I know it's the right person...okay...no more "pronouns"...the right woman. But trust is an elusive emotion. How do I trust when that trust has been broken? How do they trust me if I don't let myself trust them?
I have two friends that are working on their PhDs as well. We met at our last residency for our Public Policy and Administration Program through Walden University. We've been Skyping every Wednesday since. They have helped me through my personal problems and getting my prospectus and now my chapters written. I trust them. I know I could give either or both of them my entire life savings and get it back when I ask. Is it possible to trust in one way and not another? Cause I trust a couple of other people with things and even my life, but not my heart. Is it logical to love and trust someone that may never be able to reciprocate? Cause there is only one person that I know of that I will rip the duct taped bandaid off my heart for.
Skinned knees - scraped elbows - jammed fingers and thumbs...all of these will heal. The heart may not be so resilient. I wonder if it's a learned behavior...can I make myself part of my own research question?
...and a PhD means...to learn...at a scarred arm's distance...
