Seems like nothing yet something is happening...

Wow...I haven’t published or posted for the last year.  It's not that I have had nothing to say, I was just focusing on actually finishing my dissertation - which I have - and getting the PhD degree - and I did, thank you very much - my wife had medical problems, and I've also been focused on finding a position somewhere other than what I’m doing now.  So I’ve been busy!

It is said that when nothing's happening, something's happening.

Nothing has been happening on my blog but but really the thoughts have been stewing and building steam.  But perhaps, like me I didn’t have a response or comment ready at the moment, they are preparing to respond and just don't or, like I feel at times, not sure if they want to voice their opinion(s).

People are like that.  They need time to respond.  However, one should not take too much time...but just enough.  Kind of like being fashionably late.  People are also afraid to voice an opinion that it would be used in a way that is hurtful and not truthful.

Of course, that is exactly what was happening.  So it may appear that nothing was happening but actually something was.  (If only they would have spoken up.)

So it was with my wife's medical issues.  One never knows what is happening inside of them.  You can't see it and, as far as you know, the symptoms are from something else.  But a simple thing of my gastroenterologist telling me I have to lose weight - and my wife stating that she would do it with me - led to finding a dead ovary and fallopian tube that had metastasized across her abdomen.  How are those two related?  Well, the weight loss allowed the mass - which she has named Worcester or Woostah since it's a "mass" - get it?  Worcester, Massachusetts...okay, moving on - it caused the mass to move which caused considerable pain.

But see, I decided not to attend graduation.  Not that I didn't want to, I just felt that I wasn't supposed to.  I had no idea why, just a feeling.  Turns out, that graduation was one and a half weeks after my wife's surgery.  So as I was feeling like I wasn't supposed to, what was really happening is that we were about to find out about "Worcester"

So it is also with applying for different positions.  I've applied and yet I get...crickets...aside from a few "thank you but no thank you" responses.  Perhaps God is waiting for the right job to open up and bring me in.  Or, perhaps something else entirely.  Which is always possible.

However, I do think God has everything to do with the plans we lay out in our lives.  If He wants me to have patience, then...I guess...I will have to but I will be proactively waiting.

Even if you believe that there is a "higher power/being" and things happen the way they are supposed to, being proactive in that is part of something happening.  How do you know that the job you are applying for is or isn't the job you are being led to is where you are supposed to be IF you do not apply?

The something happening is you.  You may be growing personally in a way that you don't realize which may be the "something happening" while you are doing all you can and yet it looks like "nothing" is happening.  Therein lies the patience that is needed.

Oh, it's not an easy thing.  I know.  I grapple with the patience part everyday.  But I am proactively looking for what is down the road.  I don't want to stay where I'm at.  I was stagnant because I was finishing my PhD - but now - I want to get moving.

In the same way that during the writing of my dissertation it seemed that I was never going to finish, it was forming better than I knew.  It was coming together.  More than that however - I was growing.  I was becoming who I needed to be for all the experiences that will be coming down the road.

It was hard.  It is hard.  Patience is a virtue but a pain in the butt!  Good things happen to those that wait for it and proactively go after it.  Whether it takes a day, a week, 10 years....

...and a PhD means...that you understand what you've been waiting for is just down the road.  It may look like nothing is ever going to happen, but something is definitely happening.

Why? There is a reason for everything...

This post will be different than most posts.  This post is definitely to clear my head...and my help settle my heart.  This post is asking only one thing...

...why?

The question all kids ask a million times.  The question that is the basis of philosophy.  The question that is asked at times of sorrow.

I asked this and still ask this again and again in regards to my sister's death.  Why did she have to die?  Why didn’t they know that Yaz was the problem?

I ask this now as I hear of my cousin's diagnosis of cancer.  Why?  Why didn't they catch it earlier?  He goes in for tests every year faithfully.  He keeps himself healthy.  Why?

Why are we who we are?  Why was I born gay?  Why am I so different than others?  Why wasn’t I born a male?

This question drives us crazy when a child asks it.  I can only imagine that God rolls His eyes when we ask it.  Well, not really - I’m sure He looks at us like we look at our children...with loving eyes and heart.  But unlike us trying to lend an answer to child’s “why”, we may never know why something has happened.

Perhaps we can just circumspect that everything happens for a reason.  But will that be enough?  Can we accept that and continue with our lives?  Perhaps.  However, I would venture to say that even if we are able to do so, we will never stop asking “why”.

And that’s okay!  We should ask why and more so see if there are answers in everyday things.  Even if we think we find the answer and we’re not quite on the mark, it gives us a peace that possibly a part of life’s puzzle has been joined to a bigger picture.

Wondering, questioning, or seeking is healthy.  Worrying about the “why” is not.  We cannot change the past.  We wish we could, but we can’t.  So giving ourselves an ulcer is not worth it.  Using our quest or inquisition to the “why” should always be done with prayer and meditation.  God told us to be still and know.  Not “know” the answers but the peace that comes with with understanding there’s more to life and us than just “us”.

The one answer that should never be used is “it is what it is.”  That’s a true non-answer.  Of course, it is true but where does it lead?  It doesn’t lend any iota of comfort.

Platitudes - let’s not use them either:
     “We cannot do anything about it so....”  (Really?  Maybe we can.)
     “God has a reason.”  (Yup.  Covered that.)
     “Time heals all wounds”  (Not necessarily.  You just learn to handle things better...maybe.)
Platitudes are great for self talk.  Less so when stated from one person to another.

Why?

Good question.  I don’t know.  I do know that trying to find the “why” in a dissertation will never happen.  Dissertations will only create more questions - not necessarily answers.  So my trying to find the “why” that Lisa died through research was never going to be answered.  If research doesn’t answer the “why”, how do you expect anyone to know the answer?

...and a PhD means that asking "why" is healthy and so is knowing you won't always get the answer.

Common sense and the "Golden Rule"

Wow...So much has happened - in my world and the world at large - since I've last posted.

Where do I start?

I am not a political person.  In fact I have a hard time when it comes to politics and politicians.  Truth, integrity, and the "Golden Rule" fly in the face of most every politician I can think of - save for three that I personally know.  What does being a democrat or being a republican mean?  What does it really mean?  Does one have to choose sides?  Is either party r e a l l y right?

When it comes to all the rhetoric on Facebook (FB), I'm disinclined to answer anymore.  I want to go on FB and see what is happening with my friends and family.  I don't really want to read what one thinks about the politicians.

Yes, I do like to learn and have a rounded sense of information.

But, no, I don't like being told I'm stupid or having to choose between you and my beliefs.  If the conversation is civil and thought provoking, I'm all for it.  But not on FB.  I've yet to see  where someone doesn't start spewing hate and meaningless words once someone states their opinions.

When I was in my first marriage (I am now married for the second time to a gorgeous, loving woman), I couldn't have an opinion.  It was his way or no way.  He was so far right it would have taking me but a few steps to meet the left.  It took me quite a while to know that I could have my own opinion.  I still keep quiet...well...until now. 

I served for 30 years to keep the freedoms we do have - freedom of religion, freedom of speech...just plain ole freedom!!  I dare anyone to take that away from the soldiers that have served and fought in any of the wars.  Don't even THINK of taking away ANY Constitutional amendments.

Now that we are on that subject - how about taking the laws we have and actually implementing them?  Let's not take away the rights of the many for the stupidity of the few.  And while we're at it, why not educate the people beyond the media who takes an incident and makes it seem like it is so rampant.  I mean really.  Of course they have every right to write their view and opinions.  But not as facts.  Opinions are not facts.

And if someone wants to kneel during the National Anthem - okay.  I won't but that doesn't mean I have to like, dislike, judge their reasoning or patriotism for it.  I've been silent on this.  Everyone has an opinion.  They are all correct.  Because it is their opinion.  They are entitled to it...I would say unless you start calling people derogatory names.  That's just wrong.

So now we have a new president and administration.  And my biggest questions are, where is his diplomacy?  Does anyone screen what he tweets or says?  Where is his common sense?  How is what he says right or helpful?

So I go back to the "golden rule".  He has every opportunity to convey to people to end the physical retaliation against another if they don't like what the other person says or believes.  But he's silent.  And yet he wants people to stop mocking him.  If he wants people to be one way, but his actions don't convey his words, how are we supposed to take him seriously?

This isn't just for this president.  It's for everyone.  Every human on this planet.  The "golden rule" isn't religion.  It's a mindset.  It's character.  It's the whole of one's being.

It's not hard really.

If you want to someone to listen to you - listen to them.  If you want curtesy - be courteous.  If you want to be loved for who you are - love without judgement.  If you want to be believed - own up to your mistakes.  If you want to be a leader - follow -- follow in the footsteps of those that are successful.  Be willing to learn and change.

So what does all this have to do with being a PhD?  Well, it's simple.  What do you do when obtaining a PhD?  You are utilizing critical thinking skills, you help others with studies, and believe that I'm as important as the next person and ensuring that all those that I come in contact with think that about themselves.

...and a PhD means...you can think critically without being critically demeaning - you listen to others and glean from that what you need to move forward in a positive direction - you do with and for others what you do and want others to do for you - it means you live the "Golden Rule."

Dad's Rules...learning when they apply...

Life would have turned out so very different had I not listened to Dad.  I wouldn't be where I am today.  I would be someone different.  I'm sure of it.

It's quite an interesting concept to contemplate.

I got out of college after two and a half years - or as my Dad calls it, 2 years and a practice semester.  Okay...my first semester was a 1.36 average.  Needless to say that I wasn't enthralled with school.

I was intending to enlist in the Army.  I didn't know what I wanted to do in life and it seemed the right thing to do and get focused.  Dad said it wasn't a bad idea but I should finish school first.  I had half a degree and that was like swimming half-way across the Missouri River, saying I couldn't make it and going back.  He suggested I finish school first and if I still wanted to enlist, well, he'll be there to swear me in.  BUT...if I was going to go in and I had a degree, go in as an officer.

So that's what I did.  I got my Bachelors of Science degree in Interdisciplinary Studies with a Focus of Biological Illustrating.  I know, I know, it sounds like a fake degree.  It's very real from a very real and accredited school.  AND...I was commissioned a Second Lieutenant (2LT) in the U.S. Army Reserves as an Air Defense Officer.  

Years later I get my Masters of Science degree in Organizational Leadership. At least this one sounds like a real degree.  Of course I told my Dad that I pursued it because the acronym was M-SOL...he wasn't amused.

And now I'm writing my dissertation for my PhD.

But what if...would I be a Sergeant Major?...would I have continued in the military for 20 years?  Would my Dad have told me his three rules?  Would my outlook on life be the same?

I do know that I may have even changed who I am physically.  Yes, I would have had to stay in shape.  But that's not quite what I meant. Maybe I wouldn't have stayed in the military and therefore allowed to be who I am, gay...and even perhaps be whom I always felt/thought I was supposed to be.

So what are those rules you ask?  You were asking, right?  Of course you were.

The three rules are:

1) They can bend your dogtags but they can't kill you.  They'll make life hard for you.  They did, but I'm still kicking.

2) Not everything is fun.  Find the silver lining and make it fun.  The hard things will so much more enjoyable.

3) There are opportunities out there but you won't know if they are yours unless you look at them.  You can always say no, but what if they were for you and you didn't look at them?  I know I let some slip away...but then...I don't know God's plan...so did I?

I have lived by those rules and the one I added, which is: you never know until/unless you ask.  However, it's Dad's third rule that has me pondering.  What about are my opportunities now?  I know there are a few.  I didn't want to miss the opportunity to propose to Mary Ann and lose the best gift of love I've ever been given.  She's allowed me to be me in ways that I'm surprised at, and that door is not locked.  So I proposed.

So how does this tie into my dissertation and becoming a PhD?  Well, it's all on the same road.  It's becoming whom I have seen myself for a long time, a professor.  I'm taking the opportunity to become something better.  Perhaps both opportunities will meet...just perhaps...

...and a PhD means...that you find the open doors...the opportunities that are yours...that you find the strength inside to finish the race triumphant...being true to yourself...oh, and perhaps listening to Dad wasn't so bad after all...

Saving for a rainy day and hoping it doesn't flood...

First I must admit that I had no idea what I was doing when I bought the "house".  We'll call it "Tea Table" - that was the road it was on.  It's amazing the things one learns when up against a wall (pun intended).  Buying and selling Tea Table has been not only confusing but frustrating.  My former partner and I had been looking for houses that would give us enough room for family visits and our stuff.

Stuff...you know, things...like my guitars and recording stuff, my pool table, her humongous 62" TV, and her weight machine (to which we added a spin bike, an elliptical, and a treadmill).

Of course we had to have at least one guest bedroom and an office.

So...you know...room.

I was a bit cautious...perhaps the better word is "trepidation"...I had a good amount of trepidation when buying this house.  First, I had only owned one house prior to this and that was with my ex-husband and that was...quite a few years ago.  (We'll just leave it at that.)  So I don't remember anything about that loan process.  But I don't remember every little detail about this loan process either.  The price of the house had me scared.  I was afraid that we were getting in over our heads.  We didn't but there were times I felt I was waste deep in a flooded river.  But it was selling Tea Table that will have scarred me forever.  Okay, not really but it was an emotional roller coaster.  It was quite overwhelming.

I learned to read e v e r y t h i n g on the contracts and ask questions, state the mistakes, etc. because if that contract is signed and you don't know what it is or says, then it's on you.  I also learned that housing market prices be damned.  If you want to get the price you want for the house, DON'T, DO NOT let your realtor sway you into putting it on at market value.  Also don't let your ex sway you out of a sale because she thinks we could get more - because that is not going to happen.  It didn't.  Hence the sentence prior.

It ended up costing not only emotions and time, but a lot of money.  I had to pull money out of my investments and my IRA.  You know the IRS loved that one.  But at least I had it.  I had to pull from my reserves that were there for a rainy day.  And as my Dad said, "This is your rainy day."

So just like all the relationships prior to the one that is the one that you know is right taught you the lessons to make this one work, very house bought and sold teaches you lessons to do things right with the next one.  It's the life lessons learned that help us along the way.

So it is with my dissertation.  I wrote a proposal that could not be defended because I found that in the group I was to interview, there was only one person available.  A dataset of one is not doable.  So after some tears and feeling sorry for myself, back to the drawing board.  Re-read all the articles to completely refocus the topic of the dissertation.  It took me a year to be back to having a proposal to hand in.

So now I have the feedback on what I thought would be the proposal to go forward.  But I missed the mark.  I have a substantial rewrite on Chapter 2, the literature review; which causes editing of Chapters 1 and 3.  Really?  Okay.  Darn.  I still have some drive left in the reserve tank.  They say the best dissertation is a done dissertation.  So let's get this thing done.  Third times a charm, right?  I think this is why school is so costly.

But learning from my first two attempts, I redid the outline to match the revised argument (thank you Dr Dixon for your help).  It will take effort but I know that I've learned about my topic because my Committee Chair summized my argument from what I wrote.  Now I just have to get better at writing it in a proposal.

...and a PhD means...that the PhD process...and life...can be overwhelming but it's not letting yourself get flooded out that  matters...rainy days don't last but the learning should...

When you know that you know...you'll know...

Will I know when it's right?  How will I know?

I can't count how many times I've asked these two questions and other variations of this.  I've gotten answers such as, "you'll know in your heart", or "it's a gut feeling", etc.  And though both have a modicum of truth, it's more than that.  It's just a k n o w i n g.

I can't tell you how many times I thought "this is right".  No, really...I can't.  I've said or thought it too many times.  Sometimes knowing it really may not be the right one or thing and sometimes thinking it...noooo...hoping it was right.

I met my current partner and future wife when I wasn't really looking.  I gave up on online dating.  For the most part, I gave up on dating.  I had dated and they weren't the "right one"; either for me or I for them.  And that's okay.  If you don't date or don't try, you won't know.

But when I met MAM (I'll use her initials only), it was easy...calm...fun....  I haven't stopped smiling.  We talk all the time.  Sometimes it's about the same thing we talked about last night, last week, last month...but reiterating it solidifies it.  So to reiterate...when I met MAM, it was right.

Now I can go into and compare and breakdown Donald Rumsfeld's "There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know."*

Aaaaanndd...yes...it does apply.  I'm not going to...this time.

However, it is the same with my dissertation.  Really?  I'm going to compare a relationship to writing a dissertation?  Yes.  Yes I am.

You see there's the online looking.  That's the looking for the main research question and gap in literature.  You read and read and you think you have it...then you find that the next thing you read totally answers the research question.  Then you find a gap.  And lo and behold!  It really is a gap.  And you ask yourself, "could this be the one?"

So you go out on a limb and start putting the  proposal together.  It's going good.  Maybe not great but you're ready to say yup.  This is it.  I'm ready to start the rest of my life.

But unfortunately, the answer can't be found because the method you thought was going to give you the answers was derailed by an evil witch.  No really!  Okay.  Not really.  But I wanted to see if you were still with me.  It really did get derailed.

In having to go back and re-look at the literature (the online dating...I mean looking), I found that gap.  I have to rewrite the whole proposal.  Yes, the literature review too.   But I know what I'm going for now.  I don't know if my hypothesis is right or wrong but I know that my research will let me know.

I know that I know.

I know that MAM is the right one for me.  Simply put - I finally belong.  I know that "gap" is the right one.  Simply put...let's just suffice it to say that I know...that I know.  Because, yes, there are known knowns and known unknowns.  And I know that I know that too.

...and a PhD means...when I really know that I know...I'll know...



* http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/donaldrums148142.html#ZDiXRK0a7U4GYJUi.99

All we have to fear is...who knows?

Have you ever been afraid?  Have you ever been afraid and you don't even no why?  Have you ever had a friend that was afraid and you didn't understand why?

Fear is an acronym:  False Evidence Appearing Real.  What's true fear for you is not true for someone else and it's hard to understand sometimes why some one's afraid of something when you're not.  Well, it's the same for others too.

I have a pathological fear of cockroaches.  To some, that's silly.  I don't have a fear of mice but since I have a fear, I understand that some people do and it's not silly to them.

I'm told we can get over our fears.  I don't think so.  I think we get through our fears until they no longer control us.  Working through fear is different than magically getting over it.  Cause there have been times I've done things I've been terrified of but did them knowing I had to.

There's another fear though.  A fear of the unknown.  This fear is usually associated with death...what happens to us after we die?  But there's a fear about unknown love.  I call it the "what if" fear:  "What if I walk away?" - "What if I fail?" - "What if I succeed?" - "What if...?".

These are all unknowns.  Unknowns that we battle in our heads and hearts trying to find the answers. I've come to realize we won't know the answers until we act.  Only then will the unknowns become knowns and we end up working through our fears.  Hey, but "what if" that which we act upon doesn't produce a fear?  Well, then do we start fretting about why that is and when that second shoe is about to drop?

So with so much else we have we have the opportunity to fret about why would we fear the one thing we want the most -- a relationship?  "Does she like me?"  "What if she doesn't like me?"  "What if she thinks I'm crazy?"  (Okay, that last one can be thrown out...everyone thinks I'm looney bins...)

Why is beginning a relationship so scary?  It shouldn't be.  It should be natural, easy, fun, exciting.  So...why does it feel like high school all over again?  Well, maybe that's where the fear comes from.  I don't want to go back to high school.  There were tests in high school.  I have test anxiety...okay, fine, a fear of taking tests...but I digress...

Fear about relationships seems silly but it's real.  If broken down, it's not really a fear of being IN the relationship as much as it is a fear of the potential failure of the relationship.  Those of us who have lived, loved, and survived to tell about it, are jaded.  It's an unfortunate position to be in because we should be using our experience for good not evil...well, you know what I mean...

The experience of years should allow us to be calm, cool, and collected.  We should wear the badges of knowledge with pride chanting, "Those that are interested in a mature, stable, and proven person, please apply."  I do have an application for "the right woman" to fill out...God has it...He's in charge of the first interview...I get to do the second interview.  My application is similar to George Strait's song, Check Yes or No.  I gave Him my list and He's checking it off...yes, Santa Claus does that too but that's a different story...

I'm close to getting done with my dissertation proposal which is scary and stressful as it is.  I don't want the stress of worrying about a relationship.  I want a relationship that takes the stress out of my life.  Hell, life can be scary but we should all have a friend, companion, significant other, spouse, etc. to be by our side to help us through the scary parts; not BE the scary part.

Okay, God...whose next on the list?

...and a PhD means...that by working through my dissertation, I work through fears...but not fear a relationship...