Have you ever been afraid? Have you ever been afraid and you don't even no why? Have you ever had a friend that was afraid and you didn't understand why?
Fear is an acronym: False Evidence Appearing Real. What's true fear for you is not true for someone else and it's hard to understand sometimes why some one's afraid of something when you're not. Well, it's the same for others too.
I have a pathological fear of cockroaches. To some, that's silly. I don't have a fear of mice but since I have a fear, I understand that some people do and it's not silly to them.
I'm told we can get over our fears. I don't think so. I think we get through our fears until they no longer control us. Working through fear is different than magically getting over it. Cause there have been times I've done things I've been terrified of but did them knowing I had to.
There's another fear though. A fear of the unknown. This fear is usually associated with death...what happens to us after we die? But there's a fear about unknown love. I call it the "what if" fear: "What if I walk away?" - "What if I fail?" - "What if I succeed?" - "What if...?".
These are all unknowns. Unknowns that we battle in our heads and hearts trying to find the answers. I've come to realize we won't know the answers until we act. Only then will the unknowns become knowns and we end up working through our fears. Hey, but "what if" that which we act upon doesn't produce a fear? Well, then do we start fretting about why that is and when that second shoe is about to drop?
So with so much else we have we have the opportunity to fret about why would we fear the one thing we want the most -- a relationship? "Does she like me?" "What if she doesn't like me?" "What if she thinks I'm crazy?" (Okay, that last one can be thrown out...everyone thinks I'm looney bins...)
Why is beginning a relationship so scary? It shouldn't be. It should be natural, easy, fun, exciting. So...why does it feel like high school all over again? Well, maybe that's where the fear comes from. I don't want to go back to high school. There were tests in high school. I have test anxiety...okay, fine, a fear of taking tests...but I digress...
Fear about relationships seems silly but it's real. If broken down, it's not really a fear of being IN the relationship as much as it is a fear of the potential failure of the relationship. Those of us who have lived, loved, and survived to tell about it, are jaded. It's an unfortunate position to be in because we should be using our experience for good not evil...well, you know what I mean...
The experience of years should allow us to be calm, cool, and collected. We should wear the badges of knowledge with pride chanting, "Those that are interested in a mature, stable, and proven person, please apply." I do have an application for "the right woman" to fill out...God has it...He's in charge of the first interview...I get to do the second interview. My application is similar to George Strait's song, Check Yes or No. I gave Him my list and He's checking it off...yes, Santa Claus does that too but that's a different story...
I'm close to getting done with my dissertation proposal which is scary and stressful as it is. I don't want the stress of worrying about a relationship. I want a relationship that takes the stress out of my life. Hell, life can be scary but we should all have a friend, companion, significant other, spouse, etc. to be by our side to help us through the scary parts; not BE the scary part.
Okay, God...whose next on the list?
...and a PhD means...that by working through my dissertation, I work through fears...but not fear a relationship...
