The fear of failure vs the fear of success...which one do I have?

Have you ever thought about fear? The dictionary defines it as, "a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined."  I like the "imagined" part.  I've heard fear being described as an acronym: False Evidence Appearing Real.

So how does this emotion equate to success or failure?  I can understand the fear of failure.  No one really wants to fail.  But failure itself can be a very positive thing.  If you don't know what doesn't work, how will you know if something improves?  No one person will ever be successful all the time.  Failure is inevitable.

The fear of failure can be a positive thing as well.  If you know that your failure will lead to someone's death or injury, you will more likely be very careful and do everything in your power to not fail.  You become more detailed-oriented and your mindset will become what Gene Kranz stated, "Failure is not an option."

But learning to deal with failure takes time and learning not to fail takes practice and patience.

What about the fear of success?  Now this one has me stymied.  I'm not sure I understand why one would be afraid to succeed.  So I looked it up.  Russell Friedman states that we are familiar with failure and "The real issue is fear of success, and since we are not familiar with it, we are drawn away from it and back to what we know best, failure. It may seem odd since we covet success so much that we would veer from it just when it’s within our grasp."

Okay. That actually makes sense.  Here's more of what he says, "The issue of failure and success correlates to grief and loss in an interesting way, again by using the phrase, “In a crisis we go back to old beliefs and old behaviors.” When we experience a major loss—death,divorce, health, career—we automatically summon whatever information we have stored in our minds on how to deal with the feelings that loss provokes. The stored information we have will either be helpful or not helpful, and as such, will either lead to success or failure in how well we adapt to the loss and whether or not we know what to do to be able to complete what the loss left emotionally incomplete for us.  Success in recovering from grief is the result of small and correct action choices. But you must learn the correct choices and take them or you'll be like a hamster on a wheel going round in circles."

So what does this have to do with being a PhD?  Well...a lot, actually.

When I started my PhD program, I was riding on a high of graduating with my Masters with a really high GPA.  I was actually invited to be part of a honor society.  I had never had that before.  My sister, Lisa, was always in the honor society in high school and on Deans' lists in her undergraduate.  We graduated with our Masters together and this time, I was the one who received the honor society accolades.  I would have loved to have been in it with her, but she missed it by 0.02 grade points.

So I started my courses for my PhD but a year later, Lisa died.  I had trouble focusing and following through with class assignments.  I sought help with a grief counselor and made improvements and finished the coursework.  So what's taking me so long now?

Here's where Mr Friedman makes some sense.  Lisa finished her Masters and a year later passed away.  What happens if I finish my PhD?  No, the fear isn't real.  It's imagined.  I finished my Masters at the same time and I'm still here.  My fear of success comes from missing her in my life.  I wanted to her at my hooding.  Oh, I know she'll "be there"; but it won't be the same.

I'm not saying that there is only fear of success and not a fear of failure in there.  Cause I really don't like to fail or lose.  In fact, I'm pretty much a perfectionist when it comes to writing.  I don't want to hand anything in to my Chair that won't be accepted.

I don't think that's a fear of either success or failure...it's a fear of looking or sounding stupid...but I digress...

Understanding both fears - no matter whether one is really the other - helps me to do the small "correct action choices" that will get me past the fear.  Perhaps it is with this struggle that I will have the humility to be successful and help others be successful to.

...and a PhD means...or will mean...that I've succeeded in overcoming my fears...or at least I've had success in dealing with them...



(Fear of Failure or Fear of Success—a World of Difference
In a crisis we go back to old beliefs and old behaviors.
Published on June 21, 2012 by Russell Friedman in Broken Hearts. Retrieved from, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/broken-hearts/201206/fear-failure-or-fear-success-world-difference)